ink stains and fingerprints

twenty twelve

2012-01-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

Another year passes... and I feel the need to acknowledge that somehow.

And as 2012 starts, like just about everyone I know, I've been thinking about my goals for the coming year. I'm not big on resolutions--they seem to easy to break--but goals I can do.

Last year I didn't keep a list of my goals. Or if I did, I can't find it. Maybe organizational skills should be added to this year's list?

I'm a little behind--my list of goals is incomplete, but I've been thinking in terms of a word for this year, and that at least I can blog about.

Intentional.

In my walk. In my marriage. In my parenting. In my writing. In my health. In my relationships. In my gratitude.

And in my goal setting. Hmm, maybe I should list my goals on my blog...

nano #5: an exercise in therapy?

2011-11-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's that time again. November means NaNoWriMo. This year will be lucky #5 for me (though there's definitely no luck involved), and it's going to take pure hard work to cross the finish line this year.

Why do I feel the need to touch wood when mentioning that there are no major life events happening this November? Definitely no births, hopefully no deaths (please!), no moving... you get the picture. Just a mid-month trip to Vegas with my BFF--my first trip to Vegas and our first reunion in three years!--but if I get ahead this first week, I plan to take those three days off.

I've crossed the 50K mark four years in a row, so why should this year be any different? After all, I'm old hat at this now, right? This year, it's not a major life event. By that standard alone, it should be easy. This year, it's my subject matter. It's going to be challenging, not only to meet the word count, but emotionally. A friend has already dubbed this month "NaNoCryMo" and I think he might just be right.

Most writers can relate to putting their characters through hell--it's expected. And it can be hard, especially when you get attached to these make believe people who exist solely within the confines of your own head (do I sound crazy yet?). But when the subject matter feels a little too close to home, it's an entirely different ballgame. And just maybe, an exercise in therapy, too.

9.11

2011-09-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

I think my friend Meri says it much more eloquently than I can, so I'm just going to link to her post here.

the simple things

2011-08-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my backyard, enjoying the late afternoon sun while the boys splash in their family-sized kiddie pool. The kiddie pool we bought three summers ago and quickly realized would never fit on our balcony.

Bliss.

We've been here two weeks and it's hard to believe life hasn't always been like this. Simple pleasures.

Though, I'm far from feeling settled (even this blog post is all over the place). We're mostly unpacked. A handful of boxes remain (mostly mine, mostly books), nothing that an afternoon or two of planning couldn't fix. If I were so inclined. The concept of organizing anything right now does not appeal at all. Actually, it's almost overwhelming.

No wonder I'm struggling ~~a little~~ with my Camp NaNoWriMo word count, but that's another post.

In other news, it's official. I'm a mama to a Big Kid. A started Kindergarten on Wednesday. It's so surreal. I don't feel old enough to have a five year old, but I digress. He loved his first week and has asked me every day since if it's time for school yet. I pray he holds onto this joy for learning. If not for a lifetime, then for the next 13-17+ years.

The first two days, the school allowed parents inside the drop-off gate to help the kids find their name tags, place their folders and backpacks in the designated buckets, and put their lunch on the snack cart. Yesterday, we had to say goodbye at the gate.

He waved goodbye and didn't look back. It stung. Just a little.

Sigh. I guess I should get used to that. Soon he'll enter the "Moooooom, don't hug me, you're embarrassing me" stage. I already catch glimpses of that in the attitude that ~~sometimes~~ rears its ugly head. I'm starting to think attitude is synonymous with five years old. I know. I've seen nothing yet, but the photo above says it all.

Big Kid indeed.

insecurity

2011-07-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of a writing course at the moment, one that's available through my local college. It's taught by an author with fifty published novels to her name, maybe more. Yes, 50. Five zero. I counted. So I think it's safe to say she knows what she's talking about.

Assignments for this course are optional, and until last night, I hadn't taken the time to post any to the discussion board. I sucked it up and posted one, out of curiosity. Anyone who knows me knows that putting my work out there is a big deal. After all, I've been writing for myself since I was old enough to put words on a page, and it was only a few years ago that I decided I needed to use what I had and pursue publication. I was given this need to write for a reason. And maybe that sounds presumptuous, but that's between me and God ;) It's more than a desire. If I'm not writing for any length of time, I don't feel whole. I'm aware it seems melodramatic. So sue me.

So, I hit submit--twice, because the first time my post was flagged for non g-rated language (it was dialogue, the word was damn, and we're all adults, but I digress)--having prepared my heart for criticism. Even constructive criticism hurts. It just does. Any time you pour yourself out for the world to see, it's going to sting.

I checked back later and saw my instructor had posted on my thread. It's stupid, but anytime I'm about to open a critique, my heart starts pounding, my palms start to sweat, and I want to just ignore it. But, I held my breath and checked anyway.

I was stumped. Dumbfounded. Not only did she say my scene was great, that I should keep writing this book because I have talent. But even better, she told me she'd wanted to read more. And that right there is the goal for just about every writer. To draw the reader in, and make them want to turn the page.

I won't pretend. I was on cloud 9 last night. Positive feedback from another author felt like a gift from God. I've felt SO discouraged lately. I've been struggling with feeling pulled in too many directions, with exhaustion, and even more so with my ability to focus. As an aside, I understand why my MIL didn't write until my husband was in school.

Last night, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. And then I finally slept, and this morning the excitement was replaced with something else.

Anger. At myself.

Because I realized just how insecure I am, and how much it dictates my life. And not only when it comes to writing, but my marriage, my friendships, even my parenting. It should not take someone else's opinion to validate me--as a writer or as a woman, a wife, a mother. I should believe in myself. Validation is nice. Compliments are great (even if I'm terrible at accepting them). But I shouldn't need them to pull me out of a rut, to make me believe I can do this.

Hi, my name is Brooke, and I'm insecure. And I hate that.

A few things...

2011-07-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

There are a few things I'm looking forward to about living in a house. Just a few.

sidewalk chalk
sending my children out to the yard
painting and refinishing furniture in my garage
building furniture in my garage
sending my children out to the yard
riding bikes and scooters in the driveway
hosing off sand toys, stroller covers, and everything else I can imagine
grass under my feet
kiddie pools
sunbathing in my yard
eating outside
sending my kids outside to eat watermelon, mango, popsicles, and everything else imaginable
playing in sprinklers
hanging laundry
sending my children out to the yard
morning coffee on the patio
tile floors
a veggie garden
bug hunting
natural light beyond midday
fresh air
the absence of sirens every few minutes
kicking balls and playing tag
burning off energy
outdoor grilling
my kids knowing what birds sound like
backyard camping
finding the moon and stars (the few we Angelenos can see, anyway)
a kitchen window
a good sized kitchen
the *possibility* of owning an animal (even if I don't really want one, it's the possibility that counts)
and last but definitely not least, not feeling like I need to get dressed and put on makeup before going outside to play!

moving

2011-06-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

This interruption brought to you by the fact that we're MOVING!

To a HOUSE! (And it's YELLOW!)

With a YARD!

And a THIRD bedroom! (which will become the office).

It's tiny, about the same size as our 2bdr apartment, but it has a YARD! And a double garage to store all our junk :)

And the best part? We weren't even looking.

God is good! The boys are so excited to have the yard they've been praying for, though I'm kind of hoping He doesn't answer their prayers for the dog, cat, and tropical fish they've moved onto now...

for something different

2011-05-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Life is starting to feel normal again! Along with gorgeous spring weather, we've been to the zoo and the NHM, with J's first follow-up appointment sandwiched in between. The consensus? The broken femur is a centimeter shorter than the other, but because the broken bone actually grows longer as it heals, they should even out. No physio, though he still limps and holds his leg at an odd angle when he walks. But that should return to normal over the next few months, and if not, we'll reevaluate at the next appointment.

We also hit potty training hard last week--though I've been blessed with another very fast learner--though we had an interesting experience trying to get J to use the public bathroom on Sunday at the National History Museum's annual Bug Fair.

The Butterfly Pavilion was by far the best part. And because I'm not feeling the whole bloggy thing right now, here are some pics:

Face painting!

Butterflies:

Really wish I had a macro lens!!

update (because yes, I'm too lame to come up with a real title)

2011-04-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've been a terrible blogger. Seems to be a theme here. But best I update, for myself as much as everyone who's been asking.

Cast is off! He was fine with the saw (though every other kid screamed), but as soon as we lifted him out of the cast, he freaked. No doubt a combination of fear and pain. I shudder every time I try to imagine how it must feel to have your joints and muscles moved after eight weeks of immobilization. It took him about a day and a half before he realized he wasn't in pain when we moved him, and to equate cast off = healed leg. He didn't start bending it until a week afterward, and would drag his "dead leg" around behind him in a modified army crawl.

S l o w l y he started to bend it, then pulled up with support, but would only put the broken leg on the floor if he was on his toes. Finally this week, he's bending his knee normally and even trying to stand with flat feet. So we're making progress and that makes me so happy.

We had one scare, when he slid off his brother's bed and probably jarred the bone, though I think he was more scared than anything. DH and I figure we aged ten years in half as many seconds when we thought he'd broken his leg again. My heart hammered for a good twenty minutes, and I felt the aftereffects of the adrenalin for a few hours. Stressful? Very. But all is well. You figure putting them in front of a movie is a safe bet. Obviously, not my child.

His brother is great with him for the most part, but he's still just a (newly turned) five year old, and well, he can be selfish (can't we all?). J is under restrictions--no jumping, no rough play, no anything that could cause a repeat injury. Clearly, they don't know my child, because just existing seems to be enough to break a major bone.

He started trying to walk tonight, and it freaks me out. He thinks he's invincible. I don't want to hold him back, and I know I can't treat him with kid gloves forever. But just until his follow up on May 12th would be nice. Until someone tells me it's okay for him to fall down (ugh, just writing that is scary). He's the independent one--"By mine self!" is his standard response to everything these days.

I'm not a "hoverer" by nature, but am fearful I may become one. The tables have turned--this is now much harder on me than it is on him. Not sure when the worry will fade, but hopefully it will and I won't have that fear in the back of my mind every time one of them falls.

tomorrow is the big day

2011-04-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

...or so we hope!

We have an early appointment at the hospital for x-rays and then we'll meet with the pediatric ortho to see if we can lose the cast. The past eight weeks have alternately dawdled and downright dragged. If the cast comes off, we're expecting a few days before he'll even bend his left leg, and hopefully only a week or so until he starts walking again, but it depends on his comfort level. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, but it's not over. Cast removal is only the first milestone.

All I know is that this child--who has been SO incredibly good natured throughout this ordeal--is now trying his best to stand up and climb and pull his body through our entire apartment. I have a feeling we'll have to watch him even closer this next week.

I'm not sure about PT or if they'll even recommend it, which reminds me: I need to write down the questions I want to ask before I pack. The ambulance will be here for us around seven. I am so not a morning person, but I learned my lesson four weeks ago. The later the appointment, the longer the wait. Especially when they're short an x-ray technician.

I thought I was over-prepared last month, but this time I'm packing double the snacks--and my laptop, though there's no free wifi--just in case we end up spending six hours down there again. With any luck, hubby can drive down to collect us and we won't have to wait for an ambulance to transport us home again. The early appointment time should help, but I won't hold my breath. After tomorrow, I hope I never see the inside of another ambulance as long as I live. Six times in eight weeks is more than enough for one lifetime.

So here goes nothing... I hope I have a good update tomorrow. And be warned, said update may come with pictures. I hear casted limbs are pale, smaller, and unusually hairy. Sounds tasty.

bitter/sweet

2011-04-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

It's happening.

In a few days I will have a five year old.

And honestly, I'm still not quite sure how that happened. I mean I'm pretty sure it was just yesterday that I returned from my 36 week OB appt and Andrea told me I could have another six weeks to go and then SURPRISE! nine hours later my water broke and he made a whirlwind entrance and I was holding a baby who hadn't been due for four more weeks. And I sat there, staring at him, wondering what on earth just happened.

I look at him now and I still wonder that exact same thing.

Where did the last five years go exactly? I'm sure there was more than sleep deprivation and diapers and spit up and potty training and tantrums and...

oh wait. There was baby breath and milky grins and chunky thighs (eventually, anyway) and giggles and belly laughs and mama and dada and snuggles and chubby fingers and unsteady steps and cheeky grins. And finally some hair worth cutting.

And now he's a little man.

And I'm sad. Growing up is so bittersweet.

And there are days I wish away because if I have to tell him one more time or if I step on one more toy or hear one more tantrum or take away one more privilege or hear one more disrespectful word...

And then there are days like today, when I see glimpses of the little man he's growing into, and I regret wishing away all those other moments, no matter how exhausting or irritating or bothersome or challenging. Because even when I feel like a failure, I'm sowing into him, his future. And while there are so many days I can't see it, there are days like today when I see tiny bursts of light, and my heart both swells and shatters.

I think this growing up thing is way harder on us than it is on them.

Spica-ville

2011-03-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

So here we are, halfway through our stint in Spica-ville. Thank you all so much for checking in, and for the prayers, emails, meals, and offers to help. We really appreciate it!

I've come across some wonderful blogs that have been so helpful, and on one I found mention of the Cast Cooler. I was expecting it to be ridiculously expensive, but for thirty dollars, it's a great investment. We use it daily, and it's even better in case of an accident, of which we may or may not have had a couple. The cast cooler dried the wet cast--and quickly!--and even better, there's NO odor.

Diaper care is... interesting. I cut the tabs off a regular disposable diaper and stuff the edges into the cast, then cover it with an adult-sized diaper to hold it in place. He tends to sweat more with the plastic diapers, so we'd been leaving him in just the regular diaper. Mistake #1. Let's just say that if your casted little one is squirming a lot, make sure he's wearing the larger diaper over the top, or he may just squirm himself right out of the regular diaper. And then you just might discover he's sitting in a puddle. With a wet cast. Sigh.

But thanks to the cast cooler and our vacuum, it was dry again in less than an hour, and we only had to worry about applying fresh moleskin tape to the edges. Not how I had planned to spend my evening, but oh well... this will pass.

We're blessed in that J is such a laid back kid. He's taken this in stride. His brother? Not so much. J's developed the upper body strength to roll and pull himself around on his crib mattress. They're watching way too many movies, but oh well. He tells us, "One sock. Broke dis leg. Trip on Wall-e. Trip on Eve. Pick toys up." Lesson learned? We'll see...

We still don't have a car seat, but the wheelchair means we can get outside. We live on a major intersection, two blocks down the street from the sheriff station and fire station. It would be noisy enough without the constant sirens and the blaring horns of the big engine as it screams past at 3am, but I've never been more thankful for living where we do, with the mall, Target, and movie theater right across the street!

Just four more weeks. And I can't complain, because this WILL pass. We will return to normal eventually, tand others don't have that luxury. It's likely he'll be afraid to walk, and walk with a limp and tire quickly. He may need physio. The hardest thing--for me--will be letting him run around again, and any time he falls, my heart will be in my throat. His age means he should heal fast and make a complete recovery. But I'm a parent, and I worry. Will his femur always be weaker? Is he at an increased risk for breaking it again? What are the chances his left leg will be longer because of increased bone growth? Questions I'll need to ask his ortho when we go back next month. And the rest? Well I'll have to leave in in His hands and trust that he has it all under control.

and this is why we put away our toys

2011-02-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

After three days in the hospital, our little one is now in a hip spica cast for two months while the spiral fracture in his left femur heals. This involves diaper checks every half hour, watching him constantly to make sure he doesn't stick food or toys down into the cast, a reclining wheelchair, turning him every 2-4 hours to prevent bed sores, and trips to and from follow-up appointments via ambulance transport, at least until the hospital gets the specialized car seat he requires.

Mad and frustrated with his discovery of the cast, and doped up on morphine.
The cast is as high as the adult diaper--to the base of his ribs, with
a cut out in the crotch for diapering.

Oh, and sponge baths. This is bound to get stinky. The cast cannot get wet or soiled. Period. I believe this is difficult for an adult. A toddler? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

Watching TS2 and waiting for his cast

The culprit?

EeeEEEEEeeve

Eve. EeeEEEEEeeve. Stepping on something cylindrical/conical would not be the wisest decision to make. Just saying. And who expects a broken leg from a fall like that, anyway? Climbing a tree? Sure. Falling off a bed or a couch? Possibly. Tripping on a toy? Nuh uh.

King of his castle on the living room floor

We're now resting at home and watching Toy Story 2 for the thirteenth time in three days. It's going to be a looong couple of months for all of us. But it could have been worse. Much worse. We're just thankful to have him home and thankful he's expected to make a complete recovery.

T-2 hours

2011-01-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

Media free weekend #1 begins this evening at 6pm.

Can I still call it "media free" if I forgo the internet, video games, television, and phone, but plan to sleep, eat, and breathe writing all weekend via my laptop?

If not, too bad. I'm determined to write 10K this weekend... even if it takes locking myself in a closet--with an extension cord and enough pop chips to feed a small country--to make it happen.

I can manage without failbook, and quite possibly survive without twitter and blog feeds, but the biggest temptation will be the urge to turn on the airport for the "insta-answer" when it comes to research. Perhaps I should have the husband change the wireless password...

Alas, the internets won't implode without me. Have a great weekend!

missing home

2011-01-25T14:50:00.000-08:00

source

Over there, it's the 26th already. Australia Day. I miss home. I miss my family and friends.

I miss sausage rolls with bbq sauce:

source

the sounds of cicadas*:

source

and Freddo Frogs:

source

But today I'll make do with sharing my love of tim-tams, caramello koalas, and vegemite with the boys, and later, a video chat over skype with my whole family.

Happy Australia Day, everyone!

source

*do not be mistaken. Though flanked by food, cicadas are not an Aussie delicacy.

um... wow?

2011-01-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

Forgive me for bragging for just a second, but this photo made it onto the popular page on the 365 project. I'm stumped, truly. When I look at the other photos on the page, I'm in awe of most of them. And mine is among them? Was not expecting that. Like ever.

/brag

And in other photography news, I finally saved up enough amazon $5 gift cards via Swag Bucks to order my new lens for my camera. It will be here on Friday and I can't wait!

Víspera de Reyes

2011-01-05T23:06:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow marks the Twelfth Day of Christmas, culminating in El Día de los Reyes (The Day of The Kings).

This evening the boys picked grass to be left in shoeboxes for the camels, and milk for the Three Wise Men, to tide them over as they continue their journey. Tomorrow morning they will find a gift in their shoebox... assuming they've been good.

We will eat pasteles, courtesy of my friend Anabel in PR, then bake a birthday cake for Jesus (we were too sick to bake on Christmas Day). We'll end the day by taking down our tree and our Christmas decorations... I wish I could leave them up year round.

(The fact that my custom title font won't spell Víspera de Reyes correctly annoys me.)

snow in valencia!

2011-01-02T15:03:00.001-08:00

And this is why I'll never make a good nature photographer: too bloody cold to stand out there long enough to frame a good shot ;>

1.1.11

2011-01-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I can say I'm happy to leave 2010 behind, and it seems like half of my friends feel the same way. So, no year in review post. Moving right along...

No resolutions this year as I loathe the word, but I do have goals. Many of which are on my list, and a few of which are not.

First up: learning to run with the help of the C25K program. I wish I'd done this years ago, but there's no time like the present, yes?

Second, also related to health and fitness, is my desire to do a full round of P90X without winding up too sick to continue after five weeks.

Third, a new Project 365. Pics will be hosted on my flickr account and my P365 blog. But just because, here is today's:

merry christmas!

2010-12-29T17:03:00.000-08:00

Hope your Christmas was a healthy one! Ours? Not so much. After the entire household was struck by a nasty bug the week before Christmas, we finally got around to creating our masterpiece of a gingerbread house this morning. Better late than never, right?

Just don't ask what happened to it after the photos...

why nano?

2010-11-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Three days remaining in NaNoWriMo 2010--Anabel and Karisse, I'm rooting for you guys! I've seen a lot of opinions from other writers this year, both published and unpublished, some of whom consider it the best thing since the invention of the wheel, and on the opposite end, others who think it's utterly pointless and a complete waste of time. No to mention those who proclaim a real writer would never participate in NaNoWriMo.

In my opinion, anything that gets people writing is great. Anything that gets someone in the habit of writing daily is even better. But the biggest benefit of this single insane month?

Learning to silence your inner editor.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not naive. I don't believe a month is long enough to create a submission-ready draft (unless you're some über talented super hero or something--and if you are, I don't want to hear about it, thankyouverymuch), and fifty thousand words a novel does not make. Well, not unless you're writing on the shorter side of MG or YA, and even that's debatable.

But.

By far, the biggest reason people don't finish their first drafts is that they are continually revising, editing, rewriting, etc., as they go.

NaNoWriMo saved me from myself. Or maybe just from my internal editor. It's pretty much impossible to finish a draft when your inner editor is continually whispering in your ear, telling you that this sentence could be better or you should just erase this entire paragraph, or who actually uses a word like awesomesauce*, anywayyou keep finding things to change. Or rewrite/reword/restructure. And when your muse strikes with a new idea that will change your entire story--let's not even go there.

Before I stumbled upon NaNoWriMo in October 2007, I'd never completed a first draft beyond the length of a short story and a couple of novellas. Nano 07 changed that, because it taught me to get the words down on the page (or screen). To borrow from Nike, to just do it. Revisions can wait. So can rewrites. If there's one thing I've learned from Nano, it's this.

Just write. Let the changes wait. No matter how many times I rewrite during the draft, there's a very high probability I'm going to change it again during revisions anyway. So I may as well save myself the time, just finish the draft, let it breathe, and go back to it in a few months with fresh eyes and a starving inner editor with very sharp teeth who will be more than happy to tear it to shreds.

*an actual current argument between my internal editor and my MMC, who thinks his abundant use of the word is, well, awesomesauce.

happy thanksgiving

2010-11-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

Hope you all have a wonderful time with family and friends today!

Today I'm thankful for grace, family, friends, my awesome hubby, my wonderful boys, football, and for those fighting to ensure our freedom.

And for restaurants open on Thanksgiving :)

another first

2010-11-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

J had his first haircut today... he did great and he looks so big. Someone please tell me what happened to my baby?

goal is in sight

2010-11-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Look, look! Over there -------------->

I can see the finish line... almost. I've passed the 40K marker. Must. finish. before. 18th.

Then, I can spend four days in San Diego without thinking about my novel.

Yeah... not going to happen.

And anyway, I need to write 1500 words a day to meet a goal on the list. Sorry, honey, the laptop is coming with us. Just not to Sea World.

inspiration

2010-11-10T16:20:00.001-08:00

brought to you by the oft neglected WIP Wednesday...

Inspiration

Originally uploaded by Bella Catalina

Proof: 30K!

This postcard rocks. Yet I wonder how long it will sit here before I'm oblivious to its existence...

one year

2010-11-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

today marks a year. today really sucks. i hate cancer.

that is all.

25K: halfway there!

2010-11-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

I hit the midpoint for my NaNo word count goal yesterday... it's a great feeling. I'd planned to reach 30K by Sunday night, but after a full weekend (including visiting the lovely Karisse and walking in the Alzheimer's Memory Walk), another 5K wasn't going to happen. Especially with the monster of a headache I had yesterday afternoon/evening. Something about me and the sun just does not sit well, particularly when it involves exercise.

Winning NaNo this year will complete a few of the goals on my Day Zero Project list, and knowing that boosts my motivation, but in the meantime, I'm just happy my story is flowing. Even if it's not going where I had wanted it to go. Fellow writers will understand that sometimes characters surprise you (okay, who am I kidding--they always surprise me) and take the story in a different direction, and it's pointless to try to force them to do what you want. At least in my case, trying to do that means I end up with writer's block.

My working title is Echoes Of A Former Life, and in a nutshell: Four years after the death of his son, and three years since the end of his marriage, Shandon Keyes is moving on. Then a phone call changes everything, and he finds he's the single father of a toddler he didn't know existed.

Why is it not going in the direction I'd planned? This was supposed to be a mainstream novel, with a small romantic subplot. Small being the key word. Said subplot is taking over, and in the interest of full disclosure, I'm not sure I like it. However, I'm determined to see it through--who knows, it could surprise me. And if not, there is always editing--that's what December's for.

5K/alzheimer's memory walk

2010-11-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

Another two Day Zero Project goals complete!

#77. Complete a charity walk

and

#89. Complete a 5K

Killed two birds with one stone this morning... J and I joined Devon and Scarlett for the 2010 Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk. I'd planned to walk in the Lung Cancer Walk in memory of my mum--that also happened this weekend--but sign ups had closed the day before I found out about it. So that has been added to my goals for next year.

So technically, while we walked the 5K circuit, I didn't run a 5K. Which was my original goal for #89. So I think I cheated, but today I don't care. My goal, my rules... right? I'm sure in a few weeks I'll feel guilty and actually decide to *run* a 5K at some point next year.

I don't have any photographic evidence, but I'll see if Devon will share some of hers.

Also from the list...

#63. Give up soda for three months--started that today. No Starbucks AND no soda. I am pretty sure this will kill me.

Also started this month:

#26. Complete a first draft in 60 days--started 11/1/10 with my NaNoWriMo novel. So far I am at 25K and on tracking to hit 50K on November 14. A first draft should be at least 80K for my genre.

#59. Write 1500 words a day for two months--started 11/1/10.

NaNoWriMo & NaBloPoMo

2010-11-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Both start today. I am not going to post a blog entry every day--you all know I'm way too boring for that--but I started NaNoWriMo at midnight and have written my first 1500 words. I'm aiming for 2500 a day for as many days as I can--the further ahead I get now, the less I have to worry when writer's block hits or the in-laws are whisking us away for a long weekend in San Diego.

Write early and often is my motto.

And in other news, I keep my life exciting by attempting to burn down the kitchen. I should really make sure the top oven rack is not too close to the broiler. An oven fire is what happens when you're too lazy to switch the racks back again after baking cookies the week before. Oops. But aside from the boys waking to the blaring smoke alarm and the pear crisp being way too sweet, I'm just thankful I made way too much topping and could scrape the burned layer off. Mmm.

I'm so glad my husband didn't marry me for my cooking.

and my head told my heart...

2010-10-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

Life feels so barren right now.

I'm struggling with so much. I don't think it's any coincidence that some of it has come up as I've turned the big three-oh, either. So many questions, so few answers... and so much pain that at times I don't know if I'll ever make it through the darkness to the other side. I just want to be well. Whole. I know that won't happen this side of heaven, but He is faithful.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." - Phil 1:6

The road is long and the journey is exhausting. And there are more days than not lately when I want to give up. I want out of this race. I'm weary.

But, then:

and if your strife strikes at your sleepremember spring swaps snow for leavesyou'll be happy and wholesome againwhen the city clears and sun ascends

...and just like that, I can breathe again.

This
too
shall
pass.

eight years... and my baby is two!

2010-10-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate eight years of wedded bliss. Ahem. So it's not always bliss, but oh well, we all have our moments, don't we? As I'm writing this post, I'm thinking back to this time two years ago, when I was halfway through a 65 minute labor, well on my way to welcoming this little guy in a birth tub in what is now his bedroom.

I can't believe you're two! Our brown-eyed boy! You're such a joy to all of us and we're so glad you're a part of our family.

You adore your big brother and I smile just thinking about the way he loves on you. I pray you'll stay best friends your entire lives. Brothers and friends forever.

You're obsessed with all things guns/shooting/bad guys, Star Wars, Bolt, Up, and How To Train Your Dragon. You carry your red stuffed dragon or your almost-as-big-as-you Bolt everywhere.

You're a total "Daddy's Boy," though you have your mama moments, too. What happened to my snuggly boy, and why must you grow up so fast?

You long to be a big boy and you have to do every.single.thing your big brother does, and you have to do it as well as he does it, too. If not, there are usually tears of frustration.
But you're you, and we wouldn't change you for the world. You're silly and funny andlight-hearted and you're the perfect complement to your big brother.We love you, and we're so blessed to be your parents, little man.Happy 2nd Birthday!!

i'll be yours if you'll be mine...

2010-10-21T21:37:00.000-07:00

Time to cross another item off my Project Day Zero list. Yay! A rare event seeing as most of the items on my list aren't immediate starters...

We saw Mumford with Amy and Jamie on Monday night (we missed you, Karisse!). I've seen them live five or six times in the past year and they are truly that amazing live. Definitely worth the heat (or cold), the long lines (getting longer), crowds (getting bigger), aching feet, ringing ears, screaming girls (there's nothing left to say other than they've hit the mainstream), and ridiculously expensive bar. King Charles and Mt. Desolation opened; both were great. We've seen King Charles before--both in concert and leading worship at the hubby's London church. Love his lyrics--he seems so random...yet not random at all.

Mumford played another new song I can't get out of my head, and though I was worried that the bigger venue/bigger crowd wouldn't compare, I needn't have worried at all. Seriously. Just incredible. Can't wait for their next tour.

#36: Go to a concert -- completed 10/18/10 :)

My favorite song:

(this is from Monday--we were at the very front, to the left of the keyboard)

october 15th, and a heavy heart

2010-10-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and this morning I have a very heavy heart. I don't need a specific day to remember the baby girl I lost--almost three years later, I still think of her daily--but never has this day felt more real than it does right now. Last night, a sweet online friend lost her precious full-term baby boy. My heart aches for her and her family. There are really no words. If you pray, would you join me in lifting up this mama and her family today?

overwhelmed and outnumbered

2010-10-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

It's no secret I live in a house full of boys. Walk past our door on any given day and you'll hear nothing but guns and lightsabers. It's official. I've known this day was coming for a while. And here it is. If it's not S.tar Wars related--either directly or indirectly--or cannot magically turn into something SW related, then fuggeddaboutit.

Excuse me while I stop for the umpteenth time in ten minutes to affix yet another tiny lightsaber to another tiny hand, removed by a curious almost-two-year-old (omigoodness that's only 13 days away!!). Go figure, this one belongs to Gen.eral Grie.vous. And he holds not one, but two lightsabers. I can't even keep straight which color belongs to whom, let alone which movie.

Guess this is destined to be my life for the foreseeable future... Off to brush up on my S.tar Wars trivia with a movie marathon before I'm asked to perform yet another improv/freestyle about these characters to the tune of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider". Never mind that I'm interrupted every other line with cries of protest because, "Mooooommmmm! You're not doing it right!" Complete with irritated sighs and eye rolling. And no, I wasn't aware my four year old was going on fourteen, either. But sorry, kid, there are only so many words that rhyme with Sith. Of course, I happen to sing in perfect pitch, but my kids don't seem to realize how lucky they are. Yet.

Excuse me again while I watch twelve police cars chase ~~some moron~~ an authority-challenged individual down my street (it's so boring here that everyone wants in on the excitement). Did I mention yet how much I love my city?

Popcorn, anyone?

power in the collective

2010-10-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

Most of you--at least those of you I know personally--are aware my husband is editing a documentary about human trafficking. It's a hard subject. To think about, to watch footage, to talk about--I know there are times I'd rather close my eyes and turn away from words or images because it's too painful. It's easier not to think about it than to admit I'm at a loss, that I don't know how to help.

I hate that I cannot do more. I hate that humanity is so depraved, so evil, that children as young as babies (and any child, really) are trafficked. Trafficking is not just happening in Asia, in Africa, in Eastern Europe. It happens here, too. Right in our backyard. In big cities. In small cities. In your neighborhood.

But there are people doing amazing things. People like Tom Davis and his team from Children's HopeChest, people like my wonderful friend Karisse, and countless others working to educate, to advocate, to bring hope and healing to those affected by trafficking.

And so this morning, when I checked my email and found this post, I started crying. And I don't cry easily. Call me emotionally stunted, but it's a big deal for me to cry. Alone, we may think we cannot do much, or that the little we can do can't possibly help. I fall for that trap, that lie, way too often. I may be just one person, but when many come together, we can do great things. I needed that reminder this morning.

A snowflake is one of God's most fragile creations, but just look what they can do when they stick together. ~Author Unknown

It's October...

2010-10-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

...and that means--along with our 8th anniversary and my baby's 2nd birthday--it's NaNo prep month. What is NaNo? NaNoWriMo--short for National Novel Writing Month--is a month of pure craziness. 50K in 30 days, or 1,667 words per day, starting midnight November 1st. The only rule: start a new novel from scratch.

I'm looking forward to making it 4 for 4 this year--and I'd prefer no major life-changing events this November. Aside from a long weekend with my in-laws the week before Thanksgiving, this November is clear. But in the past three years, I've completed NaNo amidst a move from Canada back to L.A., with a newborn, and then the loss of my mum. So this year should be a cakewalk. Right?

So, what am I writing? I haven't decided yet. I have plenty of stories I could write, but none of my characters are screaming, "Pick me! Choose me! Love me!" Yet. The story will come. Maybe not until October 31, and if that's the case, I'll survive--I've done it before. But Muse? I'd really, really like it if you'd give me some advance warning this year. Outlining does serve a purpose sometimes, you know.

uninspired

2010-09-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

this is me right now; my apologies for the blog silence. There's a lot going on in my head and my heart, but nothing I can get down on paper (or blog) while managing to give it the justice it deserves...

the list

2010-08-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

So here it is... my 101 goals in 1001 days.

Complete revision of current WIP
Start the adoption process
Be able to identify 10 constellations
Lose 30lbs and maintain it 11/30
Take the boys to Sea World: Sea World San Diego 11/22/10
Design my tattoo... and get it
'Unplug' for one entire weekend every month for a year 6/12
Go on a humanitarian/relief trip
Take 6 golf lessons
Enter a writing contest
Make a dress from scratch
Change my name for a day and do things I wouldn't normally do
Complete a Project 365/take a photo and publish it to flickr every day for a year
Go apple-picking
Find a poem that means something to me and learn it by heart
Read two books a month from my college reading list for a year
Grow a herb garden
Learn basic Spanish
Write a handwritten letter to someone who has impacted my life
Expand my vocabulary by 100 words
Join a writing/critique group
Get LASIK
Ride in a hot air balloon
Read 30 classic books 4/30
Take a photography course
Complete a first draft in 60 days started 11/1/10
Inspire someone to make their own 101/1001 list--Liz@housekeeping in progress
Visit a state I've never been to: Nevada 11/11
Visit a winery
Go to an observatory: Observatory @ Griffith Park 11/20/10
Do 101 random acts of kindness
Query my finished novel
Make a quilt
Read the entire Bible
See a ballet or live show: O at The Bellagio 11/17/11
See a live band: Mumford and Sons @ The Palladium 10/18/10
Find a hat I don't look silly in
Make and send handmade Christmas cards: 2011
Learn to knit
Attend a live sporting event/game: NFL San Diego Chargers vs. Denver Broncos @ Qualcomm Stadium 11/22/10
Make a list of 100 things I'm grateful for
Learn to jumpstart a car and change a tire
Assemble an emergency kit for our household
Refinish a piece of furniture
Start a new family tradition: started 10/15/10--family movie night and picnic dinner
Spend a weekend camping
Go on a road trip to another state: Nevada 11/11
Cook breakfast every day for 90 days completed 11/16/10
Leave an inspirational note inside 30 books I pass along
Release a message in a bottle
Learn to play 5 songs on the guitar
Visit a museum: San Diego Air and Space Museum, San Diego Museum of Natural History, San Diego Automotive Museum 11/21/10
Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter
Write a song
Take a ballroom dancing class
Plant a tree
Keep and orchid alive for longer than 3 months: completed 11/16/10
Eliminate fast food for 3 months: completed 11/16/10
Write 1500 words daily for 2 months started 11/1/10
Have a white Christmas
Send anonymous flowers to a friend
Get a completely new hairstyle
Give up soda for 3 months ~~started 11/7/10~~ FAIL: need to restart
Blog at least once a week for a year
Go on a vacation: Vegas 11/11
Spend a weekend away with my husband (kid free!)
Make a recipe book of my favorite recipes
Buy our first home
Try 50 new recipes 21/50
Join the bone marrow registry list and start donating blood again
Create a photographic journal for one week
Complete one full round of p90x
Take a staycation or vacation--sans hubby and kids
Attend a writing conference
Spend an entire workday writing at a cafe: completed 8/11
Give up Starbucks/coffee for 6 monthscompleted 2/16/11
Complete a charity walk: Alzheimer's Association 2010 Memory Walk 11/7/10
Complete my 4th, 5th and 6th consecutive NaNoWrimo: 4th completed 11/17/10, 5th completed 11/27/11
Sell, donate, or throw away 101 items 101/101 completed 7/30/11
Read each of the parenting books I've bought and haven't finished 2/7
Spend a night out under the stars
Enter a photography contest
Take a month long hiatus from ~~the internet~~facebook
Have a weekly date night with my husband (even if we stay home)
Learn basic conversational French
Have sex every day for a month (sorry, TMI)
Sell ten of my cards on Etsy
Create a photo book for each child for each year of their life
Complete a 5K: Alzheimer's Association 2010 Memory Walk 11/7/10
Learn digital scrapbooking
Decide if I'm going to go back to school... and if so, what I'm going to study
Complete our family (or be in the process of)
Declutter our apartment and get rid of 101 things we haven't used in a year
Get life insurance and write a will
Find a regular exercise program that I enjoy: Running, who'd have thought?
Eliminate certain words/phrases from my vocabulary
Build (or buy, if building is not an option) a new bedframe
Turn our boring bedroom into a retreat
Read 5 biographies/autobiographies/memoirs 1/5
Learn the names of all the US presidents. In order.
Write another list of 101 things to do in 1001 days

**completed goals**

day zero project

2010-08-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

Time to stop procrastinating! I'm starting my list... inspired by my friend Devon over at The Pin-up Chronicles, I've decided to start the Day Zero Project. The home of the 101-things-in-1001-days challenge, the goal is to plan, create, motivate and achieve a list of 101 tasks within 1001 days.

The rules? Tasks must be specific, with results that are clearly defined or measurable (no arbitrary wording), and must be realistic and stretching--i.e. take some work on your part.

Stay tuned... my 101 tasks will be in my next post.

it's not called a walk for nothing

2010-08-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

A friend and I have been discussing our faith a lot this week. We're both going through trials of different kinds, but we can relate to each other and the particular places we're currently stuck on this journey called life.

We've covered quite a range so far. About knowing when you're in His will, and the stepping out in faith that often takes. About whether we will ever know--in this lifetime--if our passions and dreams have been used for His glory. Tonight, something new came up: how we often feel like we're failing at this thing called Christianity. And above all, how it all comes down to relationship.

I loathe religion. I hate to admit that I'm a Christian, because it's a dirty word to so many people. The Church has hurt so many people in the name of Christianity, so it's really no wonder. I am a follower of Christ, but I do not subscribe much to "organized religion" and I'm most certainly not one to proclaim my faith and shout it from the rooftops. I'm very much a work in progress. And I fall. A lot. It seems to me that when you tell someone you're a Christian, they often watch you hard(er), waiting for you to fall. And then they judge you for it and tell you that you're not good enough. Which, of course, is true. But that is the example that is set in front of people. That we have to be perfect, or at the very least, "good enough" to be worthy of love--whatever that means.

The fact is, most of us give Christianity a bad name. And how can we not, when we consider the weight of the word as most people know and consider it? I'm no exception; in fact, I am the rule. I sin in anger. I utter words unfit for polite company. I covet. I lie. I gossip. I judge even when I try not to. I fail at having any form of regular "quiet time" or devotion. I don't even think I've ever read the entire Bible through. And I rarely go to church, though we're technically searching for one. By that standard, I'm already a failure. I could keep typing, but do you all really need a laundry list of my sins? I'm sure I've probably committed the majority of the ones that won't get me incarcerated. I don't want to give anyone any more ammo than they already have, ya know. You get my point. I, just like everyone else, am fallible.

And what it really comes down to is relationship. Loving Him, and loving others. It's not about works. It's not about following a list of rules. No one can earn a gift that is already free for the taking. But I, like so many others, still struggle to accept it. I struggle with my self worth in particular. Who am I that He should die for me? Me? I'm no one special, but that's where I'm wrong, because to Him, I am someone. And to fully absorb what that means is somehow extraordinarily humbling. He chose me.

I haven't "arrived", and honestly, I don't think I ever will. If I ever feel like I have reached the destination, then I'd better be ~~dead~~in His presence, or something is wrong. I'd like to get to the point where people can see something in me, and it had better be Him. It's a process. To borrow from Fl.ylady, I'm after progress, not perfection. It's not called a walk for nothing. It's about the journey, rather than just getting to the destination. And I think I'd do good to remember that.

I'm writing that post...

2010-08-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

white privilege: not thinking twice when two waiters at your favorite restaurant approach your table at the same time, while the black man three tables down says he thought they were coming to escort him out...

It's hard for me to write about stuff like this. And by that, I mean for fear of offending people. So instead of posting this on my fb status this morning, I chickened out and posted it here instead. The truth is, the majority of my friends are white. And like the former me, some of them may not even understand the meaning of the phrase.

The truth is that it's not a term I'd ever heard used in Australia, and one I'd never heard period until I began to research transracial adoption a few years ago. While I don't consider myself racist, I was definitely ignorant. We still deal with racial issues in Australia, but my life was pretty sheltered, despite the fact that my group of friends consisted of Aussies of multiple ethnicities or heritages - Pakistani, Indian, Vietnamese, Chinese and Greek. But race was not something we discussed--we barely even touched on cultural differences. We empathized with our friends forced to attend Saturday school for cultural and language classes, and then headed for the beach, glad we didn't have to worry about it. Ignorance was bliss.

Last night, we headed to our favorite Indian restaurant for an early dinner. The restaurant was empty save for one other family and an African-American man dining alone, a man who had waited for us to cross the street and held the door for our family of four as we entered the restaurant. And as he was drinking his tea, two waiters approached him--one from either side--and I heard him say, "Whoa. For a minute there I was like what's going on here and I thought I was going to be escorted out."

For half an instant, my brain asked why? and then I realized that as a white woman, I would never have to think twice about two waiters flanking our table. In my experience (as a former waitress), two waiters will approach a table solely to assist with ensuring everyone receives their meals at the same time. It saddens me that this man even had to consider such a thing, and I wonder how often this has been his reality.

I like to think I'm more aware of it now, but then there are moments like last night when it really hits home that I have no idea what it's like to be a person of color in America. And I never will.

And I wonder how on earth I am going to raise African children in our otherwise white family. Because I can empathize, but I'll never truly get it. Sure, I've been followed around a department store by security as a teenager, but never because of the color of my skin. I've never even been pulled over by a police officer, and if/when it does happen, it surely won't be because of the color of my skin. I've never had bigoted individuals refuse to befriend me or give me a wide berth when walking past me on the street for fear of getting jumped. I've never had people lock their car doors when driving through my neighborhood for fear of being carjacked.

This is the world that my future children will grow up in, and this will be their reality. No amount of pretending that "love is enough" will change that. And it breaks my heart.

the lazy days of summer...

2010-05-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

are fast approaching, and this morning we had our first glimpse of weekends to come.

...awakening to the warm early morning sun...

...lie-ins under crisp cotton duvets...

...bed hair and bare feet...

...little bodies nestled together...

...hugs and kisses and plenty of laughter...

...impromptu photo shoots...

...and fresh fruit and veggies...

{these are the things lazy Saturday mornings are made of}

Truly, I am blessed.

Enjoy your weekend!

The Vintage Pearl Giveaway

2010-05-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

My friend Meghan is having an awesome giveaway on her blog today.

Go enter to win a $50 giftcard to The Vintage Pearl. Erin's hand stamped jewelry is stunning.

I've been wanting one of her pieces for ages... it would be fabulous to win,

but just as wonderful if one of my friends wins!

Go enter here

a glitch

2010-05-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

This morning I discovered that my right sidebar was all but missing. The page element titles remained, but the blogger monster must be in cahoots with my sock monster, because every single blog on my blog roll was missing. I don't know how that happened. I did my best to add everyone again, but if your blog is missing from my sidebar, please let me know so I can add you again.

motivation

2010-05-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

I did it again... I dropped off the face of ~~the earth~~ my blog for almost a month. I seem to have misplaced my motivation. Not only in regards to blogging, but for my project 365, for cooking, for writing, and for revision.

I have been exercising, though. A little something called the 30 Day Shred. No, I'm not going to post before and after pics, but thanks for asking. Considering my current lack of interest in cooking, I doubt I will achieve phenomenal results. And I'm not doing it every day, but it is challenging. I suck at push-ups, and Jillian's tough--jumping jacks are so not fun. I am getting stronger, though, so that has to count for something.

Today I'm finally getting back on track with editing my photos. Hey, I'm only a month behind, but I can catch up within the week... I really need to edit and upload daily, but it's a hard habit to come by. And to be completely honest, at the end of the day, it feels like one more chore on my to do list. If there's one thing I know about myself, it's this. If I feel like I have to do something, I no longer want to do it.

But today is the start of a new month, and as my mother would have said, time to "snap out of it." Let's see if I can find my muse again this month...

It's spring!! The weather is fabulous (soon it will be insanely hot), and there is beauty to be found everywhere. Case in point:

four years

2010-04-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today marks four years since my firstborn made me a mother. I am so blessed to have him and cannot believe how fast his first four years have passed. Today, he took me on a date to see How To Train Your Dragon in 3D and we ate frozen yogurt afterward. He's so sweet. In honor of his birthday, I planned to post his birth story, but seeing as I didn't have the foresight to schedule that post (or my WIP Wednesday for that matter), I will do that tomorrow.

For now...

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

I'm so thankful that God chose me to be your mommy.

Welcome to your fifth year!

WIP Wednesday

2010-03-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

Amazing! I actually have some progress to report today. But that may or may not be related to the fact that the house was silent after 9:30 p.m. last night, and I was able to revise until I could no longer make sense of the words sometime after eleven.

The stats: p. 70/330 (Chapter Five? I don't have my manuscript in front of me)

Morale level: after last night, I'd put it at an 8 :) (before last night, it was on the wrong side of zero)

Goal for next week: p. 120... or the end of Chapter Eight (?)

Until next week...

Award

2010-03-27T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm a little behind, but I was nominated for a blog award. Thanks to Meghan at Tucker Take Tennessee for the nomination!

Seven interesting facts about me:

1. I love animals but don't want the responsibility associated with having a pet

2. My accent is a blend of Aussie/Kiwi/British/American, and everyone always says they love it... I beg to differ!

3. We lived in Hawai`i for two years before moving to L.A.

4. I am impatient, but I'm also a procrastinator

5. I have a love/hate relationship with California weather

6. I have always wanted to live in Africa

7. My characters refuse to let me force them to do/say/be anything that is out of character for them--if my story stalls, that's usually a sign that I'm not listening to them very well.

Now I get to pass on these awards to other bloggers!!

For the "Beautiful Blogger" award you need to:
~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.
~Tell us seven interesting facts about yourself.
~Pass this award on to 15 fantastic bloggers you have discovered.
~Contact your nominations and let them know they've won.

I'm nominating the following!

1. Karisse @ Musings

2. Anabel @ Book Devourer

3. Andrea @ All Things Us

4. Missy @ It's Almost Naptime

5. Jamey @ Zehlahlum Family

6. Amy @ Decompression

7. Gayla @ 3 Continents, 1 Family

8. Vanessa @ On Our Hearts

9. Emily @ Barefoot in the Rain

10. Liz @ Passionately Living

11. Rachele @ Freckle Head

12. Kody @ The Insanity of Writerhood

13. Jade @ La Tour de Life

14. Sarah @ One Mom Show

15. April @ The Quakes in My Quiver

New Header

2010-03-26T21:52:00.000-07:00

I did it.

I finally took the time to make myself a photo header for my blog. I'm quite happy with it, though it's not finished yet. Not too shabby for a first attempt, and it looks way better than just the blog title if I do say so myself.

Creating the images in Photoshop was the most time consuming--generating the code is the easy part--I must have made at least two or three versions of each photo or diptych. I still need to create a title graphic and decide whether that will be on the image file or above/underneath it. If I have some time over the weekend, I'll keep playing, providing I feel inspired.

It's a rotating header--the picture changes on each page load--with four different images. Let me know what you think--blog title on each image, or a separate graphic/title above or below??

Caught up!

2010-03-24T21:35:00.001-07:00

Finally caught up on posting my Project 365 photos over here. Go check them out!

WIP Wednesday

2010-03-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

Um.

Okay, so apparently it's Wednesday again. I have no idea where the week went, and the days appear to have blended together. Such is life as the mother of small children. I think that's become my motto of choice lately. You know, my version of "don't sweat the small stuff." Or something.

Enough with the tangents, you say. Tell us what we really want to know.

And what would that be?

Oh. The revision stuff. Of course.

Um. This is where it all gets a little dicey. I have a confession.

I haven't touched my manuscript this week. No, wait. I did touch it. But I did not do a single word of revision. On Sunday (or was it Monday?) night, I sat down sometime after 10 p.m. when the boys were finally asleep, manuscript in front of me in my three piles. I even picked up my red pen. But I made it no further than that. My homework was calling to me, and I slogged it through three days worth. And then I was exhausted--spiritually, emotionally, physically--and I crashed.

I'm disappointed in myself. I need to make it a priority, or I'll still be procrastinating this time next year. Ugh. I must have missed the line; you know, the one where God was handing out time management skills. And maybe I missed the motivation line, too.

At least I wasn't wasting time on the internet. I keep finding inspirational new blogs to devour. They're all writing related, and that's so much better than playing Bejeweled Blitz. Right? Well, sure. Motivation is always necessary. Unless I don't actually do anything with said motivation. And if that's the case, and I'm not putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), there's not much point reading blogs on the subject, is there?

Don't answer that. It was purely rhetorical.

I'll be back next week. With a real update. And some real progress to report...

Unless I find another blog or five.

Perhaps it isn't EG who needs me to make his ethernet cord disappear during work hours, after all...

Hmmm.

Confessions of a Booby Monster's Mama

2010-03-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have a sleepy booby monster on my lap. At moments like this, I'm glad that, at almost 17 months, he's still nursing. There's something so incredible about snuggling skin-to-skin with a boob-drunk, sleepy baby. But at other moments--particularly those when he drags his Boppy across the room (or into the kitchen when I'm trying to prep dinner) for the 100th time in three hours and starts whining "Boo. Boooo. Booooooooo!"--I begin to entertain thoughts of weaning him.

I have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. I loved nursing my first son. This time, I'm doing it because I know it's what's best for him.

But I'm not sure I'm really ready to wean him. My reasons are [mostly] selfish. The longer I nurse means the more I lower my risk of breast cancer. And with so much cancer on both sides of my family (throat, lung, and melanoma on both sides), I'll take all the help I can get. Considering that there's no family history of breast cancer and different types of cancer originate in different ways (and I'm the first to admit I'm no authority on the subject), my logic is most likely flawed. But it makes me feel better, and that has to count for something, right?

One of the major things that has me hesitating is the fact that I lean more towards child-led weaning. Up to a point. I wasn't always this way, though. Before we started our family, I knew I planned to breastfeed, but figured that once they could communicate that's what they wanted, they were too old. How much I've changed!

I know multiple mamas who have nursed their little ones well into their 3's, 4's and even 5's. That's another subject, and one I have no plans to discuss--to each their own; no judgment here. My personal comfort level with my own children is somewhere between two to three years old. My first weaned just after he turned two. At the time, I was pregnant again after a recent miscarriage and my supply had taken a second hit in three months. I'd planned to tandem nurse if he was still interested once the baby arrived, but the discomfort of nursing during early pregnancy found me limiting him, and one day he just stopped asking. I don't think I was alone in my alternating feelings of relief and sadness--weaning heralds the end of babyhood and has done so since time began.

Because I nursed my eldest for two years, part of me feels that weaning him now would be cheating him. Which is not true, but I'm a mama and I want all things to be equal (blame that on being the oldest of three). It's so easy in so many respects. Nursing means it's simple to comfort him, to help him fall asleep, and maybe this is stretching just slightly, but he's still getting some nutrition. And beyond that, with all the illness we've had this past few months, getting through flu season was my major goal. But that goal is fast approaching.

I want my body back. I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for almost 5 years now. Without a break. It's getting old. I want to wear pretty bras without nursing clips. And I want my freedom back. I want to be able to leave my boys with a sitter and not worry about whether my youngest is having a hard time falling asleep. But such is life with small children. I couldn't tell you the last time I went to the bathroom by myself, so freedom is relative.

But when it really comes down to it, I'm lazy. Because, well... weaning seems like an awful lot of hard work, and I'm not sure I care enough about a few extra months when he'll probably self-wean by the end of the year anyway.

Unless I decide to go and see the best band ever with my friend E for the second time in as many days this June. Which would involve an overnight stay in San Diego. And the ability to not worry about whether the little one is pining away for booby milk and driving EG to distraction.

Ahh, freedom. I hear it calling....

WIP Wednesday

2010-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

In the interest of blogging at least once a week--and keeping myself accountable to this small corner of the blog world (I'm referring to the five of you who actually read my blog), at least--I'm implementing a post titled WIP (Work in Progress) Wednesday. I've just started revisions on the first draft of my current project after shelving it for three months.

Today's PSA: Make sure you've numbered your 330 page manuscript before you hit the print button. Because by the time you realize your oversight--100 pages into printing--you will waste an extra half hour numbering them by hand only to realize that in its haste to print, your printer spat pages so fast that said pages have landed in the incorrect order. And on you will go, to page numbering: take two.

My first draft stands at 118K. I can't believe I just admitted that. It needs a lot of culling. I printed 330 pages (10pt, double spaced, in case you care), and think I probably killed a tree in the process. I expect to go through at least two red pens.

My goal is to have the complete manuscript revised by April 30. I could have it done in three weeks--or less--if I really tried. But let's be honest here. I am not a morning person. If I dragged myself out of bed, and if I managed to do so before everyone else, then I would rather use those precious minutes to fit in some exercise. Without someone laughing at me, or nagging at me for breakfast ~~or any other unnecessary request~~. Because again, let's be honest here--as if I'm going to have the motivation to do my workout at 10 p.m. once the boys are finally in bed. I love the switch to DST; I loathe the subsequent body clock adjustments. But I digress.

Back to the WIP. The housework can wait. To very loosely paraphrase Fly.lady, imperfect housework still blesses your house. Or family. Or something like that. So, until April 30, I plan to spend nap time in revisions. Don't be offended if I don't invite you over.

As of today, I've marked up my first five chapters. Before you get excited, I've decided to cut the first four chapters entirely and begin the story at a later point. I think I may have one or two pages out of the entire fifty or so that are not covered in red ink. But I believe that's the point... is that not why they call it a draft?

Enough rambling... back to the task at hand. This will be posted at 6:00 a.m. Don't be fooled; that "schedule post" option sure makes me feel productive.

Oh, and Happy St. Patrick's Day. Don't forget to wear some green... and drink some Guinness.

Giveaway Alert: Free Blog Design!

2010-03-04T14:11:00.000-08:00

Want to perk up your blog? I do! April Showers is giving away a FREE blog design. Become a fan of her Facebook page and you could win!

Click here to enter!

moments in between

2010-02-16T16:14:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days. A day that stands out amidst the others that seem impossible to separate from the blurred collective of passed time. So often, I look at my day as one big hurdle I need to leap, rather than a series of steps with a jump or two. I'm working on that; I need--if only for my own sanity--to see the moments in between, rather than simply making it through the banality of the daily slog.

And these days, it often looks something like this:

Wake up. Remove stubby baby finger from my nostril or ear canal. Nurse baby. Get up. Get dressed. Feed kids. I wanted squares, not triangles! Tears over squares versus triangles. Refuse to make fresh toast because you changed your mind. Change diaper. Nurse baby. Start laundry. Nurse baby again. Listen to whining. Go to park. Referee squabbles over toys. Answer eleventy billion questions. Run out of patience. Come home. Nurse baby. Another diaper change. Baby boy, do NOT stick your fingers in your poop!! Nap time... (yay, a few minutes to myself!) Boy 2 finally goes to sleep. Flip laundry. Boy 1 wakes up, throws a tantrum, wakes up Boy 2. (So much for that break.) Mama, come wipe my bottom! Lunch. Stop hitting your brother. Time out. Time out take two. Don't snatch that, he's just a baby. Give that back, he had it first. Okay, give it to me, no one gets it now. No, baby boy, you do not wipe your nose and then eat the used tissue. No you cannot have a cookie/candy cane (!!)/insert sugar filled food of choice here. You have too many toys as it is, don't tell me you're bored. Get out of the kitchen so I can cook--Hey! Bring that back here, I was using that! Where did the baby hide the spatula? Dinner. Ewww, that's green/orange/slimy/______; I don't like that! Family roughhousing on floor. Mama, hold me. Mama, sing me one more song. One more book, mama, pleeeeeaaaassssseeeee! Bath and book and bed and finally-it'stheendoftheday-and-I-actually-might-get-some-time-to-myself-so-don't-you-dare-come-out-of-that-bedroom-asking-me-for-a-sandwich-or-some-of-my-icecream-because-if-you'd-eaten-your-dinner-you-wouldn't-be-hungry! And then a few hours later, I go to bed and it starts all over.

Today is one of those days. One that begs recording, even if in simple words. A day full of moments that should be memories, written down before they're forgotten.

The pure delight of Boy 2's high pitched babble as he sings to his baby doll and rubs her back because it's nap time. They do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I'm just not sure if my babbling makes any more sense than his does.

The tickle of Boy 1's silky soft hair and eyelashes as he lays his head on my arm to give me a rare--these days--love fest. Now watch me try to focus on the snuggles and not on my disgust at the unfairness of it all. The fact is, no boy should have lashes this long and this dark.

The expletives I stop myself from yelling--though barely--when I step on yet another small toy with a death wish. Not knowing whether I should feel proud that I kept my mouth closed or mortified that I thought them in the first place is another thing altogether.

The sticky, chubby fingers clutching my hand and pulling me toward the kitchen where I will be asked--in grunts, with pointing--for "one more" T.rader J.oe's popped chip. And I will oblige, and say "last one." Until the next time. I swear these things are crack for babies. And adults.

The way that Boy 1 currently perceives time. "When I was a Daddy, I was allowed to put the cookies in the oven by myself." Sure wish I could travel backwards ~~and forwards~~ like that.

The pattern of floured little chubby feet covering the kitchen floor after over exuberant stirring of the dry ingredients for our belated Valentine's Day sugar cookies. I keep telling myself I was going to sweep the floor again tonight anyway.

The feeling that I'm walking on air with the knowledge that finally, 15 months post Boy 2's arrival, today I wear a pair of shorts I haven't been able to wear since summer/fall 2007. What can I say, but that 15 months seems to be the magic number for me: I can lose the weight without too much blood and tears. Unfortunately, the sweat is not optional. It does bear saying that the shorts in question are denim bermudas and no longer fit for wearing in public without expecting a visit from the fashion police, but let's not rain on my parade, thankyouverymuch.

So for today, at least, I'm trying to focus more on finding the joy in the individual moments that make up our day to day life, rather than worrying about the mundane. Sometimes it's hard to see beyond the humdrum and focus on the bigger picture, and that's a different post. One day they won't need me to do every little thing for them. One day soon, they won't want to help me, and they won't want my help, either. So for now, what's a bit of flour when I have to sweep the floor anyway?

Oh, look, it's time to start dinner. Where on earth did the baby hide the spatula today??

Everyone wants a Dyson! (Giveaway Alert)

2010-02-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants a Dyson.

Well, everyone I know, anyway.

Northern Mama is having a giveaway to win a pink Dyson DC23 Motorhead canister vacuum valued at $599.99 (CAD$649.99)... go enter. Northern Mama has made it very easy for you to enter more than once. Of course, I'd love to win, but I'd be just as happy to see someone I know (either IRL or through the blog world) to win.

Writer's Block

2010-02-03T17:10:00.000-08:00

So much for my blogging goals for this year. It's barely February and I've already failed. Miserably so.

My muse has gone AWOL. I can't seem to write anything at all right now. Okay, maybe anything at all is a slight exaggeration. I can put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and write. But... it's uninspired, and I struggle for every word. And I need to write. I need to write to process and decompress, if nothing else. Granted, I'm coming away from the tail end of a very challenging six months, but still.

I've tried blogging. I've tried journaling. I've tried working on any combination of the umpteen different novel ideas floating around inside my head. I've tried writing in chaos (not difficult to achieve with two small children underfoot). I've tried writing in the absolute silence of a sleeping house late at night. I've even tried writing at 5 am. And if you know me well, then you'll know that ~~some~~most mornings, I don't drag myself out of bed until the last possible moment (7:59 am, if you were wondering).

I'm in a rut. I can't focus. Yet I feel the pressure to write. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling this pressure--most writers I know feel the pressure to write something. Every day. I have the subject matter, but no inspiration, no motivation. Meanwhile, December's completed first draft sits untouched, mocking me. But I can't face revisions right now. I need more distance. Distance from the story, from the characters, from the emotions.

Anabel (my friend and writing buddy) and I have agreed to a hiatus of sorts. Two weeks to focus on other things, with no pressure to write or revise. I wasn't a fan of the idea at first. Honestly, I'm still not; something about not writing--even if it is a self-imposed break--feels wrong. That said, I can recognize that I need it. I'm praying that fresh inspiration results from this break.

So goodbye, pressure. I'm going to spend a couple of weeks focusing on other things. Things like:

*getting the house back in order after travel and seven straight weeks of illness (the boys are now just getting over a stomach virus following nasty back-to-back colds--no wonder I have no inspiration)
*getting back into some semblance of a daily routine
*decluttering (amazing how little you really need when you've been living out of a suitcase for the majority of the past six months) and making some extra cash
*my neglected sewing projects
*photography
*finding some time to start reading the pile of books I've collected lately

As for blogging, well, I'll still be reading. Not sure about posting... we'll see.

Burdened and brokenhearted

2010-01-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

I don't really consider myself a do-er. I'm way too much of a procrastinator. I get burnt out easily if there's too much on my plate. And I need alone time to recharge. A lot of alone time. To just be.
Yet the moment I heard of the earthquake in Haiti yesterday, my first thought was I want to help. I want to go. I want to be God's hands and feet to those suffering.

But as a mama to a nursling--not to forget my preschooler--I need to be realistic. And as much as reality can be disappointing at times, this is not my season for disaster relief. I've known that since the Tsunamis in 2004, when I was teaching in Hawaii. I confirmed it when Katrina and Rita hit in 2005, right after I'd found out we were expecting The Boy. I spent days glued to the television, watching and praying, and wishing I could do more. And again when I was seven months pregnant and waved goodbye to a team traveling down to the Gulf Coast to help with rebuilding. I longed to go with them. I still long to go.

So here I sit, watching the news. Burdened. Brokenhearted for the loss and the damage and the pain and the suffering, and crying out to my God on their behalf. Physically, I cannot do much. But I will donate. I will continue to pray. And know that eventually, I'll be able to do more.

Happy Blogoversary... and Project 365

2010-01-09T21:32:00.000-08:00

We are home. We are sick. We are miserable.

London ~~was~~is fabulous. But more about our trip once I am no longer going through a box of tissues a day and my head no longer threatens to explode.

But, I could not let today pass by without noting that this blog is a year old. One of my goals for this year--I don't do resolutions--is to post somewhat regularly.

Oh, and I decided to join the 2010 Project 365 Photography Challenge. Check out my year in photos here. While I've promised to take a photo daily, I have not promised to post them daily.

Happy {belated} New Year!

Santa Came Early! (And we're off)

2009-12-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

Look what I found under the tree last night!! I am so beyond excited--I truly was not expecting to receive a gift at all, let alone the camera. It was supposed to be a joint birthday/Christmas gift,

but because we had not been paid as promised and money was so tight

with my trips to Australia, it didn't happen.

We were finally paid, which is a HUGE praise in and of itself. I can't wait to play!

Today we leave for London. Can you guess what I plan to read on the plane? {If you have small children, you know that I should not even bother packing a book--of any kind!}

See you when we get back!

Christmas Wish List

2009-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

As far as tangible gifts, there is one thing on my list: A digital SLR. I've wanted one for a long time, and it was supposed to be my combined birthday and Christmas gift this year. But then life got in the way. Jobs were few and far between, and then there was everything that happened with my mum and two trips to Australia in three months. We're incredibly blessed to be spending Christmas and the New Year in London (Thanks, MIL!)--my first trip there in the nine years since EG and I met--and we may even spend a night or two in Paris (not so romantic with the kids in tow, but I'm not complaining)!!! So needless to say, I am not getting my hopes up about the camera.
I'm wishing for a few other things this year, too. Oh, you mean aside from the end of world poverty? This may sound stupid, even trite, but if you roll your eyes, so be it. I'm willing to risk it. I've posted my wish, now here are my prayers:

I pray that my friends dealing with infertility will be blessed with a child.
I pray that my friends who have lost loved ones this year will not be overwhelmed with sadness during this season of family and friends and love.
I pray that my friends battling health problems will be healed.
I pray my friends facing uncertainty in their careers and employment will know He holds them in His hands.
I pray that my friends will find joy in the things that matter this season; in family, in friends, in giving, rather than in material things.
And above all, I pray that people with no hope will find hope and joy this Christmas, by way of a Baby born in a manger.

Give the Gift of Hope this Christmas

2009-12-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

I'm always looking for gifts that keep giving... and while there are many, this is just one I'd like to bring awareness to this Christmas season.

This Christmas, HopeChest has set the goal of helping another 5,000 orphans in 2010. To do this, they want to raise $500,000 and have just launched a new site: HopeChest Partners

Their goals:

::Fewer young girls are forced to trade sex for food
::More orphans will have food to eat, and the protection and love of Christian mentors
::No girl will end up in the commercial sex trade

As a HopeChest Partner, a gift of $25/month rescues a girl from the commercial sex trade in Russia or an orphan in Africa from extreme poverty.

If you feel led to give, will you join me?

Some Serious Swag!

2009-12-09T17:16:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day? What's that about? Seems like I'm all about giveaways today... but I saw this giveaway and couldn't resist. It's that good.

Go check out Kari's blog here to enter. Kari's blog is a great resource and a great encouragement for families considering--or families deep in the trenches of--adoption. I love Africa, and I love t-shirts with a purpose, and Kari's Simply Love tees are gorgeous.

The Grand Giveaway Winner will receive:

* 2 Simply Love T shirts (you choose!)
* 1 Free Pass (Courtesy of Disney) to the NEW Princess and the Frog movie.
* Autographed copies of the Best Seller Redemption novel series (5 book set) with Karen Kingsbury & Kari's dad, Gary Smalley (love these books!)
* Kisses From Katie handmade Ugandan beaded necklace (extra-long & beautiful)
* Her 2 Children’s books- Mookie Series
* 1 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts (Zoie’s favorite)
* Sugar Cookie mix & mit for kids.
* Chick Flick- Julia & Julia (Meryl Streep rocks in this DVD)
* $20 Starbucks Gift Card

You could win a value of $180 in gifts! Entries close December 15th!

Giveaway::Win It Wednesday::Sasha Wrap

2009-12-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

If you're into wearing your little ones, then go visit Meghan's blog here and enter to win an awesome Sasha wrap!

JunkPosse Jewelry Giveaway!

2009-11-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

I've made it no secret {to the husbandperson} that I've had my eye on a few certain pieces of jewelry from my favorite Etsy stores. JunkPosse is one such store. Tracy creates stunning pieces, but even more, I love that this jewelry is her "Passion with a Purpose" and each sale helps support several causes close to my own heart--among them, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, orphans, and adoption--in several different ways.

Well, our 7th anniversary {now forever eclipsed by McQuackQuack's birthday} came and passed without any additions to my very modest jewelry collection. And if I'm honest, I'm kind of relieved. Because yesterday, I was catching up on the Bottomly's blog, and came across Amy's post about Tracy's latest design:

The Ethiopian Angel Wing Necklace

Tracy noticed that Ethiopia is in the shape of an angel's wing and created this gorgeous necklace. It's my new favorite. And she is donating a percentage from the sales of several of her Africa adoption necklaces to Josh and Amy to help them bring home their little girl, Olive, from Ethiopia.

{Hint, hint, EG. If I don't win the giveaway, here's my Christmas wish!}

Do you like it? Do you know someone who might like it? Then ENTER!

Here's how!

1. You have to blog (write a blog post on your blog about this blog post OR about one or all of the above necklaces!) or facebook (on your facebook page about either this post, or one or all of the above necklaces!)

2. Leave Amy a comment that you did so.

Shazam! your entered! :)

(if you blog AND facebook about it, you will be entered twice...just be sure to tell Amy)

Official drawing will take place Saturday, November 21st- 6pm.

Saying Goodbye

2009-11-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, 8 November, I got the call. The Call. The you-need-to-be-on-a-flight-tonight call.

I had less than four hours to pack, get to LAX and make my flight.

I made the flight, but I didn't make it.

My mum took her final breath at 11:45pm on Monday, 9 November. She was 56. I was somewhere over the Pacific, praying I'd get there in time. I didn't make it. I missed her by eight hours. I didn't get to say goodbye.

They induced a coma in the end, so she was not in pain. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that my dad held the phone to her ear so that I could tell her I loved her. But I wish I could have done it in person. I wish I didn't have to hear her tell me not to come. I wish I could have held her hand. It's selfish to wish that she could have held on for a few more hours, but I do. Despite the fact that they've all told me repeatedly that it's better I didn't see her how she was that last day, struggling for every breath that she took, I wish I had been there.

As soon as I got back to the house on Tuesday morning, we were straight down to business; never mind the jet lag. No time to process, and no time to grieve. Notifying friends and family, her solicitor. Cleaning out her bedroom. Making arrangements. Choosing music and photos and caskets and flowers. Deciding whether to have a viewing (just for the family). All those things that are supposed to be easier when someone has made a plan and written it all out for you. But it isn't, not really.

We made it through the week on pure adrenaline. The service on Friday was... nice. I've tried to come up with a better word, but there isn't one. Nothing fits. With some distance, I know I'll see it differently. It was simple, the way she would have liked it.

I regret not taking the chance to say my goodbyes when they first opened the casket and I was alone in the chapel. I was too scared. Too scared to see her. Too scared that she wouldn't look like herself (she did). Too scared I'd lose whatever vestige of composure I had managed to hold onto (I did). Too scared I wouldn't get through my reading (I did, but I was a mess). Too scared that it wouldn't be the closure I was hoping for (the jury's still out on that one). And too scared that I'd regret seeing her one final time (I didn't). I don't like to cry in front of people. So, instead, I waited until my brothers joined us, and we said our goodbyes together.

She looked... better. Aside from her wig, she looked like herself again--from before. She never let us see her without a hat or her wig. She hated losing her hair. That was the hardest on her. And even at the end, we wanted to respect that. My brothers turned away when the nurse removed the oxygen mask after she'd passed, because the band holding it in place was beneath her beanie.

I'm dealing with many emotions, but it still seems so surreal. I haven't had time to grieve, and so this post is my attempt to start to process the past ten days and start to let it out. I think it will be a very long time before I stop thinking, "Oh, I'll have to tell Mum about ______." I lost count of how many times I had to stop myself from calling out to ask her the meaning behind some item I found while I was cleaning out her closet. The fact that I'll never again be able to call her in the middle of baking to ask what I can substitute for an ingredient I'm out of, or ask her a question about my grandmother... it's hard. And I know that this is just the very edge. I think that I'm starting to realize that as much as I tried not to, I still took her for granted. There's still so much I don't know about her, and now I never will. I thought we still had time. And though I'd just found out she only had a few weeks, I was counting on that time with her. But then she got an infection in her good lung, and it happened so fast.

If you're reading this, and your mother is still here, call her now. Don't put it off, not even until tomorrow. Tell her you love her. Tell her how much you appreciate her. And if there's something you've always wanted to ask, then ask. Next time you think about it, it may be too late.

On Tuesday, before I flew home, we drove up to M.aleny to scatter her ashes as she'd requested. The very long day involved detours on dirt roads, a screaming twelve month old (who shall remain nameless), trespassing on private property and scaling barbed wire fences, all in the name of finding the perfect spot, but that's another story. Both humorous and sacred. But what matters is that we found the spot. Opposite a beautiful horse stud, on land with lush, rolling pastures and a beautiful view of the Gla.sshouse Mo.untains. We couldn't have found a better place.

F.N.K.

21 November 1952 - 9 November 2009

Rest in Peace, Mum. I love you, and I'll miss you forever.

Anger

2009-11-03T23:33:00.000-08:00

I hate the C word.

I hate everything it stands for.

I hate the nasty disease that is claiming the life of my mother, who may not live to celebrate her 57th birthday on November 21.

I hate that I am on the other side of the world.

I hate that it's back. Aggressive. That it's returned to her lungs, to her brain, and has now invaded her liver.

I hate that it's no longer about fighting this beast, but about making her comfortable.

I hate that her life expectancy has dwindled to a few weeks.

I hate that she has to spend the final few weeks of her life in hospice care.

I hate that I have to stumble over words to try to explain to my three year old that his Nanny is sick. That she's going to die.

I hate that I have Hope, yet she doesn't believe.

I hate that I have to say goodbye.

I HATE CANCER.

It's November...

2009-11-01T12:51:00.000-08:00

...and that means it's time for NaNoWriMo.

NaNo, otherwise known as National Novel Writing Month, occurs every November, with the goal to draft a novel of 50K (or more, if you're really ambitious) in 30 days. 2009 will be my third NaNo, and--I'm hoping--my third win.

2007 involved a move back to L.A. from Vancouver the week before Thanksgiving, and 2008 began with a five-day-old baby. This year is certain to be the hardest, with a three year old and a recently crowned one year old {that's another post}, and yet another potential move across the Pacific... wish me luck. I'll need it.

Not that I haven't been way too quiet on the blogging front as it is, but now I will be spending every spare moment working my way to 50K on a YA novel my muse dropped in my lap barely an hour before the midnight kick off.

Off to put a word count widget on my blog so you can follow my progress...

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

2009-10-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

Baby boy, you are one year old!

Happy 1st Birthday!

You:

walk
{somewhat like a zombie, with hands out in front of you}

try to run
{and fall down lots}

have 5 teeth
{two upper middle, two lower middle, one @ right of lower middle}
Mama's note: don't you love my use of dental jargon?

have been playing peek-a-boo with two more teeth for at least two months
{the two on either side of the upper middle teeth}

say cuh-dah {cuddle}, quack quack, uh-duh {brother}, mama, dada,
car, bah {ball}, heh-oh {hello}, fah {fan}, and bah-bah {bye-bye}

adore your brother and want to play with him all.the.time
{pity big brother does not share your enthusiasm}

clap your hands and wave bye-bye

sign "more" and "fan"
{the only two Mama remembers}

love to put everything in your mouth

took your first steps @ 9 months

love to chase Daddy around the furniture

love when Daddy chases YOU around the furniture

give snuggles and kisses

throw a tantrum because Mama won't share her chocolate

love to play with anything you're not supposed to
{especially the humidifier}

still need to touch everything and anything electronic in nature

carry a phone {toy or real} or a magna-doodle all through the house

can stack all the stars on your ring stacker
{over and over and over again}

love to "read" your books

love bedtime stories and snuggles in bed with your brother

weigh 18.6 lbs and 30 inches tall

drink Mama's breakfast smoothie from a straw

bang on your brother's bedroom door while he's taking a nap because you want to play

like to throw toy cars and laugh when you get in trouble

love when your brother tickles you

still don't have much hair

shriek with excitement over just about everything

are such a happy, life-loving little boy!

Welcome to toddlerhood, little man!

We can't believe it's been a whole year since you made us a family of four!

New Shoes!

2009-10-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

I am totally ripping this post from Gayla (another blogger with an Aussie-American--and soon to be Ethiopian--family), but that seems to be the way it goes. I've already ordered mine (in black, green and bollywood for some girly flair), and though it's fall, I am so glad we live in L.A. where I can wear these practically all year round!

Have you seen these shoes?

They are by Sseko Designs. They are cute AND profit Ugandan women!

Here's a bit of their story:
The Ugandan school system is designed with a nine month gap between secondary school and university. These nine months are intended to allow time for students to earn money for tuition before continuing on to university. However, in an impoverished and male dominated society, many of these young women struggle to find fair work during this time.

Sseko Designs hires recent secondary school graduates for this nine month period to live and work together, while earning money that will go directly towards their university education. These women will not make sandals forever. They will go on to be doctors, lawyers, politicians, writers and teachers that will bring change and unification to a country divided and ravished by a 22 year-long war.

Sseko Designs is a for-profit enterprise that recognizes the power of business and responsible consumerism to support sustainable economic development, which in turn affects a country's educational, justice, and health care systems. The goal of Sseko Designs is two-fold: provide university tuition for these promising young women through a sustainable monthly income, while also contributing to the overall economic development of Uganda.

Although consumerism makes many empty promises, responsible and proactive consumerism has the ability to change lives. Like the lives of Mercy, Mary and Rebbecca.

Every sandal has a story. This story has only just begun, but with your help, it will be a story of hope, success and change

The shoes come in solids and pattern and look really cute, and the best part, the straps are interchangeable! Read more about Sseko Designs on their website... there is more about their story, the women that are benefiting from the sales of the shoes right now, and their blog. Check it by clicking here.

Home again!

2009-10-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

My poor blog has been so neglected, but as much as I wanted to post while I was in Australia, I had no internet connection. We arrived home yesterday morning, and as far as flights go--especially 14 hour flights across the Pacific, traveling alone with two small children--it was actually almost pleasant. Almost.

McQueen is jet lagged, and McQuackQuack has caught himself a gastro virus that has presented as of 1am. Jet lag, vomiting and diarrhea make for such a wonderful combination. But it could be worse... all of us could have had it. Not that there's any guarantee that we won't all get it, but you know what I mean.

Oh, and another interesting tidbit for you to chew on. I've since discovered that the terrible twos were nothing. And by nothing, I mean not even worth mentioning. We're thick in the middle of the threevils over here. Ahhh. Fun times all around ;>

Up, up and away...

2009-08-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

My poor, neglected blog.

It's been a while. More than a while. Far too long, really. I'm going to be honest. I haven't been anywhere exciting or doing anything I don't normally do. I just haven't been in the mood to blog. Or to read blogs. I can't explain it with any intellectual prowess. I feel like a plane in an endless holding pattern. And my thoughts are filled with cancer.

Yes, it's cancer. Lung cancer, Stage IV non small cell adenocarcinoma, with metastasis to the brain. Stage IV is often treatable, but not considered curable. The five-year survival rate stands at 1%. Following brain surgery and radiotherapy, it's now time for a lobectomy, and then chemo and more radiation to squash what remains.

I hate the C word. But we're hopeful. Hopeful that this treatment plan will give her more time. That she can return to breeding the horses she loves, live to see her grandsons grow, see my brothers get married. And that she can claim the words Survivor. NED (No evidence of Disease). Cancer-free. It won't be an easy road. It will be a long one.

And so, in a few days McQueen, McQuackQuack, and I will fly home to spend two months with my mum. I'm praying this won't be the last time we see her. But this may be the last time my blog sees me, at least while we're gone... my mum only has dial-up. And in all honesty, this is as good a time as any to take a self-imposed break from the internet... See you in a couple of months!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

{Almost}

Gaoled!

...or not!

Missionary Guilt

2009-05-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

Right now, my mother is lying in a hospital bed awaiting more tests after being diagnosed with a dangerous brain tumor. Only the Lord knows why they're making her wait until Monday for an MRI. And only the Lord knows why He is allowing this to happen when I am half a world away. But the point is that He knew this would happen. And He knew I'd be worried out of my mind. I know she's in great hands. I know that she's in the best hands possible--the hands of my Creator, the Great Physician.

Yet I feel so guilty.

Guilty for being half a world away. Guilty that I haven't been home in three years. Guilty that she's unable to be a real part of my babies' lives because of choices I've made--even if they are choices I've made with His leading. Guilty that my two younger brothers are taking care of her. Guilty despite the fact that this is exactly where our God has called us to serve.

There are so many possibilities. So many potential outcomes. And regardless of the fact that He has given me the peace that I have prayed for, I struggle to let it go. I do not wonder about the what ifs that could have happened, but the what ifs in the near future. There is no point in questioning what would have happened had the stroke caused by this tumor rendered permanent damage--not that I know for certain that it hasn't, but she is talking fine and aside from a lack of energy seems otherwise okay--or if she had been unable to get herself to the hospital or call for help.

But I do wonder what this MRI is going to find. They don't know if it's benign. They don't know that it's malignant, either. If it is malignant, the odds are high that it's metastasized from another tumor elsewhere in her body. The chest x-ray was negative for tumors in the lungs--and, I'm assuming, breasts, if tumors show on x-rays--the two highest frequency tumors to metastasize to the brain. Melanoma (which my maternal grandmother had, and twice now, my father), renal and colon are the others, in decreasing order.

My brothers are not strong on details, which drives me crazy, yet I know this is part of the lesson for me. I ~~have an intense need~~like to know what is going on. I like to be in control, although I'm completely, utterly aware that it's all an illusion. I am not the One in control of this situation--or any situation, for that matter. He is. And He knows the details. All of them. Even the tiny, minute details that the doctors are not even aware of. And as much as I dislike being on a need to know basis, however, I trust in Him. And for that reason alone I cannot sit here and wring my hands.

My brain is working overtime, I won't deny it. I don't like having no option to do anything tangible besides pray. I won't pretend that I'm not considering getting a passport for McQuackQuack and taking both boys home next week... but until I know what is going on, there is no point. As much as I'm sure Mum would love to see the boys, we'd be making a hard situation, well, harder.

For now, the plan is to wait on the results from the MRI before they decide a plan of action, which at this point will likely involve brain surgery. And that's an entirely different can of worms. And one I'm not sure I'm willing to be an ocean away from.

If you pray, please pray for my mum. She is not a believer, and despite her precarious health, I long to see her come to Him. Pray for my brothers--also non believers--as they balance work and personal time and supporting Mum. And please pray for me, that I'm able to leave my fears at His feet and leave my mother in His hands. Above all, pray that He receives all the glory, whatever happens.

Romans 8:26-28 (NASB)

26In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words;
27and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

7 months

2009-05-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I skipped months 5 and 6, but nevermind.

McQuackQuack, happy 7 months!

I cannot believe that it is passing so quickly, but I'm not surprised... how is it almost June?

You:

finally roll in both directions

roll your way all the way across the room in the few seconds it takes me to check on your brother or answer the phone (uh-oh Mama)

are perfecting your army crawl

are even more obsessed with anything electronic

would much rather play with the xbox 360 controller than anything else

absolutely adore your brother, even if he won't give you the time of day

are babbling non-stop and, not surprisingly, are very vocal with your protests

still have no real interest in food

dance from side to side any time you hear music

do your best to pull/push up on whatever is in reach

like to take a 15 minute catnap at yoga in the mornings and a longer nap in the afternoon

are working on cutting both of your front top teeth

and are a very happy, easy-going, sociable baby

Random Picture Challenge

2009-05-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

This week's challenge:

16th picture folder

28th picture

August 2008

28th picture

{30 weeks with McQuackQuack... ahh how I love pregnancy!}

Proof that I didn't skip and find a better picture. No cheating here, ma'am. I really need to delete all the unfocused/terrible lighting/generally bad photos from my picture folders. Terrible photos taken in the bathroom mirror while trying to figure out the settings on my camera are still marginally better than the pregnancy pics EG takes, ~~when I can bribe him to take one for me~~. Especially considering he should know better, being a filmmaker and all. Let's just say he doesn't have the patience for family photos that he has for framing scene shots. Rule of thirds? Lighting? Depth of field and all that? Fuhgeddaboutit. I mean, really, why would anyone want to remember how they looked while pregnant?

Wordless WednesdayFriday

2009-05-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

ahhh, how I hope they love each other with such fervor their entire lives!

{oops. That's what I get for guessing the scheduled post date}

Not Me! Monday

2009-05-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Wow, it's been a while, and I'm out of practice!

When McQuackQuack decided to take an unprecendented nap at 8:30 this morning, I did not pretend that I was unaware he was still in his well-soaked overnight diaper and let him sleep on... for two more hours.

Yesterday, when a friend gushed about my sewing prowess on receiving part of her baby shower gift and demanded I instantly open my own E*tsy store, I did not pretend I had never considered it and I definitely did not pretend that I was not secretly thrilled. Not me!

And while we're on the subject, I definitely did not fail to consider what I was going to give said friend until Saturday evening and sew said gift during nap time on Sunday morning. I never procrastinate.

I was not disappointed that I missed the 4.7 earthquake last night, only to wake up to an email from my mum--playing the guilt card no less--who believes Nevada will become prime oceanfront real estate, asking why we still live here. And being the prefect daughter, I was certainly not tempted to send a quick email back with the statistics on dying in an earthquake versus, perhaps, those of dying from lung cancer caused by second hand smoke inhalation. Ahem. Not me!

Mother's Day Giveaway Extravaganza! Win a laptop!

2009-05-14T11:53:00.001-07:00

Metropolitan Mama has an incredible giveaway running right now in honor of Mother's Day. The winner will receive a Toshiba Portege M750 ($1,699) and will also receive the Small Phantom laptop bag from STM Bags.

You can be sure I entered! My two year old laptop has major issues. It no longer holds a charge, but there's no point spending $100+ to replace the battery when the power cord jack is also shot. I currently have a AA battery wedged underneath the cord jack to hold the cord at the correct angle. What can I say? It doesn't make for a very mobile workstation, which I do believe is the point of a laptop.

Entries are open until May 22nd. You can enter here, and if you're willing to take a few extra minutes, you can also gain extra extries.

Kayleigh

2009-05-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

My heart is breaking for the Freeman family today.

Precious Kayleigh went home to be with Jesus last night, way too soon... but His ways are not our ways.

Kayleigh touched so many lives in her short life.

Please keep Aimee, Adam, Allyson and Brandon in your prayers,

along with the rest of their family and friends.

Kayleigh Anne Freeman

June 23, 2008 - May 11, 2009

Hiatus Over

2009-04-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I think. This last month has passed in a blur. McQuackQuack is mobile and suddenly I have no time ~~or energy~~ to write a blog post let alone come up with anything to write about. Such is life with two small children. Just when I thought I was getting a handle on this being in three places at once thing.

I've been spending more time in the kitchen, too, attempting to make the perfect sourdough with my starter. And the perfect kombucha. And water kefir. The last two are great; it's the sourdough that's finicky!

April began with McQueen's 3rd birthday, with a fabulous disaster of a cake, but that's another post. Oh well, at least it looked cute. McQueen woke up congested on his actual birthday, and had a rotten day with tantrum after meltdown after tantrum, followed by a cold that stayed for a good two weeks before moving on. Not that I can complain. Old fashioned handwashing kept us illness free all winter... and then it was April and cold & flu season had passed. Well, apparently not.

In the last week of April, McQuackQuack celebrated his half-birthday, and ~~became an official member of society~~ we finally registered his birth. He is so stinkin' cute. Yes, I know I'm biased.

And also in the last week of April, EG and I decided to go gazelle intense. While we're debt free, we have a goal of owning our own home in the not too distant future and that means saving at least a 20% down payment. We're in L.A., people, you do the math! I'm desperate for a yard for my boys to run around in, a place to craft a garden, and a home to call my own. Some of you probably think I'm insane for wanting a mortgage in the current economy, but in the six and a half years we've been married, EG and I have moved more times than I can remember. And I'm over it. I'm over "apartment white" and not having the ability to paint the walls. I'm over not taking the time and effort to invest in a place that's not my own, to make it a home rather than four walls and a roof.

This month, we've challenged ourselves not to eat out. No restaurants, no take out, no St*arbucks or other luxuries... we're only on Day 4 and it's not going to be easy. Nor is budgeting on an irregular income, but we're determined to make this work. At the end of the month, we're cancelling cable, too. I'd love to be tv-free (again, another post), but with a husband in the film industry, this is about as close as I will manage to get--at least until we own a home and possibly have the option to remove the television from the main living area. As soon as the season finale of Lost airs, we'll be watching tv via the internet. We only hope we can watch SYTYCD online, or we'll be hitting up You Tube for the performances in all their terrible quality.

I'm bummed that I didn't manage to get around to posting my Not Me! Monday post today, but there's always next week. Off to play some Halo and unwind with EG!

Boon Giveaway!

2009-04-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love Boon products--and we've owned a few--and Amy (aka Tigermommie) over at In The Tiger Den is hosting another Follow Me Friday giveaway. Entries close on May Day (May 1st), and you're able to enter more than once. Check it out!

Random Picture Challenge

2009-04-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today's challenge:

APRIL 2008

13th folder

42nd picture {or 4th if you don't have that many}

Definitely random ;> This photo was one of the few I took of our hotel room on arrival in Dallas. We were there (all expenses paid!) for the premiere of E.xpelled: No Int.elligence All.owed. McQueen (eyeing a water bottle) was newly 2, and I was newly pregnant with McQuackQuack. It was a great trip, apart from the fact that McQueen woke up vomiting the day we flew home and we spent the entire flight praying that he wouldn't be sick again (he wasn't, thankfully!)

Long time, no blog. Hard to believe it's been over two weeks since I've blogged! We've been busy busy busy. McQueen turned 3 last week, and came down with a cold (our only illness all season, yay!) on his birthday. He, of course, decided it was only fair to share it with McQuackQuack, who cut his first tooth on Easter Sunday. Fun times all around! Birthday pics coming soon...

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

{Morning yoga - Warrior 2 - Instructor: McQueen}

::photo via iphone::

Paint by Numbers

2009-03-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

{44} diapers washed, snapped together and put away today
{14} days until McQueen's birthday
{2} number of small people in my house with an affinity for anything electronic in nature
{1} minute since I discovered McQuackQuack likes to chew on my laptop power cord
{10} razor sharp baby fingernails that currently need trimming
{8} days since I last trimmed aforementioned nails
{72} today's forecast high temperature
{13} drafts or outlines of different writing projects on my hard drive
{8} projects I will actually write
{3} projects I am currently working on
{1} gallons of virgin coconut oil I just ordered
{19} programs and files that start up when I turn on my laptop
{5} programs I just removed from start up to make Norton happy (and my laptop run faster)
{16} different varieties of vegetables that I currently have in my fridge
{4} number of Cars diecast cars I trod on today
{6} number of times I threatened to confiscate said cars
{19} unread blog posts in my feed
{8} times that I've asked McQueen to "please get off your brother"
{4} seconds before McQuackQuack rolls onto his belly once put on the floor
{9} seconds before McQuackQuack then begins to whine because he has not yet figured out how to roll onto his back
{7} people following me on twitter
{3} meals that mcQueen has refused to eat today
{3} times that McQueen has asked to eat one of Daddy's prized Tim tams
{3} times that I have repeated that treats are only for little boys who eat their breakfast/lunch/dinner
{5} times I have looked at the clock and wondered how many hours until bedtime
{4} number of times I did the above within a twenty minute period
{2} naps skipped today
{6} times so far that I have prayed for the grace to get through today
{2} number of times I have been chomped on while nursing McQuackQuack today
{360} degrees in direction that I wish I could see at any given moment

Pray for Stellan now!

2009-03-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Stellan is a true miracle baby, and is back in hospital as of last night with the SVT he almost died from in the womb. No time to write more, but Mckmama is updating when she can. Please be in prayer for Stellan and for the rest of the family.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-23T04:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

After struggling to see God's hand in a couple of situations last week, I did not feel like a complete fool when God clearly revealed that He is in control even when I can't see it. Me, suffer from a lack of faith? That just does not happen!

I did not neglect the laundry yet again in favor of writing an outline for my Script Frenzy project, only to stare at a blank page for a while and then abandon it to read a book instead. Procrastinate? Nope, not me!

And speaking of Script Frenzy, it's not like me to bite off more than I can chew just for the challenge and then make everyone else's lives miserable just for the company. I'd never be that selfish.

I did not ask McQueen to get me a new diaper and wipes for McQuackQuack at almost every diaper change yesterday, purely because I was too lazy to get up and get them myself. I would never treat my child like an errand boy. And as for me, I am never lazy.

I am not contemplating "calling in sick" to my yoga class in the morning because I don't feel like dragging myself out of bed that early. It's not as if taking yoga makes me feel better about myself and gives me the energy to get through the day or anything like that. And it's not like we all notice a difference in my patience levels on the days that I skip a class.

...and I am not staying up way later than I should to write this post just so I won't forget to write it when I come home from yoga in the morning and get swept up in the chaos that is my daily existence with two small children. Not me!

If you'd like to join in, read this to find out how to participate. Happy Monday!

Spring is here! ...and so is the hair loss

2009-03-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

First day of Spring! How is that possible? How is my first baby a few short weeks away from celebrating his third birthday, and how is my new baby almost 5 months old? I know my mum tells me that every year passes faster than the last, but really? It's almost April!

I have a lot on my mind lately, yet words are not forthcoming. I haven't written much of anything of the fiction variety, either. My energy is entirely zapped by a rambunctious McQueen and a teething McQuackQuack, and when I do find a few moments to write, the words don't want to flow. Words have been the one thing I've always had, and now I feel as if I'm losing myself.

{Hmmm... maybe God is trying to tell me something here. Just a thought.}

I'm in a funk. I've been losing my hair in clumps for almost three months now, and it hasn't started to slow down yet. The baby weight is not falling off the way it did with McQueen {all 40lbs of it!} and that is plain depressing, especially considering I only gained half that amount this time. And I'm exercising, which I definitely did not do post McQueen. The extra weight I can live with for a little while longer. Especially when I am so blessed to have a healthy baby to show for it.

I know, I know, that whole "nine months on, nine months off" thing. And that would be fine, except for the fact that summer is coming--and considering we had an 80-something degree day this week, I'd hazard a guess and say that summer is right around the corner. And then there's the fact that I started this pregnancy with an extra 10lbs that I gained in the month after losing Bailee last January. How do you gain 10lbs in one month, you wonder? One word. Donuts.

I love being pregnant, I really do. And I'd quite happily stay that way, but for the postpartum hair loss and the pregnancy brain ~~and the weight gain and the irrational hormone-induced mood swings and the constant worrying and the bad skin and bad hair and the morning sickness and... oh wait, nevermind~~. You see, my brain packed a small suitcase and took a vacation. I did, however, recently receive a postcard, and unfortunately for me, my brain is having a wonderful time in the Bahamas and has no immediate plans to return.

I can't say I blame my brain. Life here is kind of crazy at the moment... shedding hair in clumps ~~in the shower and all over the carpet and my clothes and the baby~~ everywhere you go has a tendency to make anyone lose their sanity. Maybe I should pull a Britney and shave it all off.

Random Picture Challenge

2009-03-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

This week's challenge:

3rd folder

1st picture with the color BROWN

Hmm, me thinks the brown stripes on McQueen's sweater will not be the first thing noticed!

{McQueen @21mths, Jan 2008, eagerly waiting for the cookies to finish baking}

::eta: superbly unfocused photo courtesy of EG, who loathes my camera::

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-16T06:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It's that time again--what did you not do this week?

I did not spend my Saturday evening folding laundry that I did not neglect all week, while EG watched a movie from our Netflix queue. I would never do that, because I am not stuck in a rut, and I am not still staring at two full baskets of unfolded laundry that do not need to be put away.

Nor would I admit to the fact that EG and I have not had a real date night in over two years, cause that would be really embarrassing.

I did not cook the same meal three times last week just to use up the two week old (but still incredibly fresh!) head of cabbage from our CSA produce box, and I certainly did not utter a "Praise God!" upon finding a meal EG actually liked and ate without complaint.

I did not lock myself in my bedroom with the baby under the pretense of a late afternoon nap almost every day this week, and I did not let him comfort nurse for an hour just to keep him quiet so that I could read for a while. And, I most definitely do not regret that decision now that McQuackQuack does not want to comfort nurse for an hour or so every afternoon. Not me!

I was not sad when McQueen returned home from the park with one of his not hard-to-find Disney Pixar Die Cast cars all battered and scraped up from racing. It's not as if it's just a toy or anything.

And I most certainly was not emotionless when McQueen did not throw his diecast Mater up in the air--while not sharing a fabulous meal in a Cuban restaurant with good friends--only to not have it land on his head and not give him a small gash on his scalp after I had not given him repeated warnings about doing exactly that. Not me. And I absolutely did not think to myself, while I was not applying pressure to stop the bleeding, that maybe, it did not serve him right. I'd never be that vindictive.

Random Picture Challenge

2009-03-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

This week's challenge:

February 2009

or 1st folder

FIRST picture of something other than your kids!

Totally pathetic, but this is it. I barely take enough pics of my kids let alone anything else! This was my attempt at getting a quick pic of the pea sized hail stones we had twice in one week in late February. Yup, that pea-sized white thing on the edge of the window ledge {nevermind the dirty windows}. I would have gone outside, but by the time I'd actually dressed myself and the boys, it would have melted.

A terrible photo, showcasing my ~~mad~~ terrible photography skills. Though, in my defense, I was trying to wrangle both a camera and a whining 3 month old at the time.

Come join the fun!

{Almost} Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

::McQueen @ 12mths::

Those eyes... Can't believe he's almost 3!

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-02T06:10:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Last week, when it was not raining and wet, Daddy did not forget to put McQueen's shoes on before we left the house. And I did not forget to notice until after we were driving down the street, that not only was he shoeless, his socks were drenched.

This week, I did not have to repeatedly ask McQueen not to touch McQuackQuack's equipment while he was on the floor having nakey time. Upon a trip to the bathroom, I also did not have to explain to a concerned McQueen that boys and girls do not have the same equipment and that Mama didn't lose hers, it's just different.

Right now, I am not staring at our Valentine's decorations and wondering if I couldn't just leave them up for another week... or three--and just skip St Paddy's Day altogether.

And, on Friday, I did not make ~~a pathetic~~ an attempt at teaching McQueen his lowercase alphabet, and I definitely did not give up when he lost interest after exactly 47 seconds and I realized it wasn't going to be as simple as the method he used to learn his uppercase alphabet *cough* Leapfrog *cough*.

What didn't you do this week?

Random Picture Challenge

2009-02-28T08:29:00.001-08:00

Brittany over at 4 little men & girly twins has a great Random Picture Challenge on {most} Saturdays. This is the first week I have joined in... but it looks like fun!

The picture this week is:

11th folder

September 2007 - 11th picture

::September 2007::

This photo brings back so many memories.

::Memories of::

rushing to wait {in line for BC ferries}

mosquito infested beaches

crisp air & blue, smog free skies

beautiful fall leaves

weekly, six hour grocery shopping expeditions

weekends without electricity

awesome electrical storms {that caused the weekends with no electricty}

freezing weather

deer in our backyard and green tree frogs on our window ledges

the best Indian restaurant ever

... and great times with good friends.

This is my friend {otherwise known as Monkey} holding her son H, who was only 6 months old {::Happy 2nd Birthday, H!!::}, and McQueen, 17 months, on one of the "beaches" in Canada {remember, I'm an Aussie used to pristine white sand}. A beautiful late afternoon in the early fall, while the weather was still warm. The beach was infested with mosquitos and Monkey was eaten alive, so we didn't stay long.

We were supposed to spend one month {that quickly turned into 3 months} on a tiny island off the coast of BC while EG and Peacock edited a film. It was wonderful, but, at times, incredibly testing. I fell in love with Vancouver, and would move there in a heartbeat.

Happy 4 months, McQuackQuack

2009-02-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

Little Man, you bring so much joy to our little family.

Already, it's hard to remember life before you joined us and made us a family of four. I can't believe how much you've grown and how much you change from day to day.

I don't want to blink because I'm afraid that when I open my eyes again, you'll be walking and running after your big brother.

::You...::

sleep from 7pm til 7/7:30am (sometimes 8!)

you wake to nurse twice--when I come to bed, then around 3:30am and sometimes have a top up at 5:30am

you fall asleep on your own in your pack'n'play

take a few shorter naps during the day and tend to fall asleep right where you are (what happened to your long solid nap?)

love to smile at and flirt with the baby in the mirror

reach for and grab toys

generally always have your fingers in your mouth

like to sit in your bumbo seat and watch the world

love to help pull yourself to standing

kick the receiving blanket off your feet while you sleep

wear 3-6mth clothing and are already running out of length in the sleepers

wear yellow edged GMD prefolds, your Goodmamas on their lowest rise and Mutts on the middle rise with a small Thirsties cover

love when mama holds you up on my shoulder so you can see the cars and the world go by outside our window

have just hit the latch on-nurse for a minute-pop off-look around-big milky grin-giggle-look around-see the booby-latch on and nurse again phase

love to ride in the car but hate to stop at traffic lights

are a morning person and will wake up happy and talk to the ceiling fan while mama showers

are fascinated with your big brother and your eyes follow him around the room

roll from your back to your side and try very hard to roll all the way to your belly, but seem in no hurry to roll from your belly to your back

still aren't too fond of tummy time (and Mama isn't too bothered with making you endure it, she'd rather the peace and quiet over the complaining)

don't like it if Mama leaves you to take a yoga class before your bed time

try to sit up if you're not vertical enough for your liking

are soothed by the sound of Daddy singing Twinkle, Twinkle to you before bedtime

"talk" non stop

are incredibly laid back... until you've had enough, then have absolutely no patience, just like your mama

giggle when mama tickles you or blows raspberries on your neck or belly

try to blow raspberries but haven't quite figured it out yet

drool constantly

don't have very much hair left, and it's already lighter than at birth

have blue-gray eyes with a fair amount of brown around the pupil

give the best milky grins

blow lots of bubbles

are incredibly healthy and very happy

weigh about ~~14.5lbs~~ 16lbs and about 26in tall

...and you're growing way too fast!!

EG.... circa 1984

2009-02-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

Three years old and examining a dead snake in Corsica. Loving the primary colors, but those sandals! Really honey, I don't believe you when you tell me that you didn't dress yourself!

Not Me! Monday

2009-02-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Let's take our not-so-proud moments and spin them around in a delightful therapy session, shall we? This kind of therapy is free, funny, and oh so refreshing. That's right: It's time for Not Me! Monday! Being brutally honest, and living to tell about it.

This week has not been my best, I'll admit that right now. So consider yourself forewarned; I deserve the parent of the year award this week...

When McQueen had an accident of the bed-wetting variety the other night, I did not just lay a few towels over the wet patch because I was not too lazy to change his sheets in the middle of the night.

After 12+ hours in his overnight diaper, I certainly did not forget to change McQuackQuack and leave him in said diaper for another two hours.

After hearing McQueen--in all his 2 year old honesty--tell me that he hit his best friend on the head with a block, I did not threaten him with never allowing him to play with his friend again.

It was totally not my fault that McQueen fell in the mud on Saturday after trying to snatch his wagon from my hands. I would never just leave my child to his own devices and then I most certainly did not giggle to myself when he fell flat on his butt and muddied his hands and jeans.

And I most certainly have not spent every night this week playing Halo 3 on Xbox Live with EG and our good friends as soon as all the kids are in bed for the night. Especially not when I should be using that time to catch up on the housework. Not me!

More snow fun

2009-02-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

Rescued from the iPhone:

Snow Day!

2009-02-22T09:23:00.000-08:00

Southern California was hit with a winter storm earlier in the week, giving us this:

And even better, it's only a 40 minute drive.

Yesterday was a mild 60 degrees, so EG and I packed a spare change of clothes and shoes for everyone and loaded the boys into the car to make the drive up the mountain.

After we climbed from the car, I strapped McQuackQuack into the Beco and tried to navigate the orange mud in the parking lot. McQueen fell while trying to wrestle his wagon out of my hands, covering his jeans and hands with thick oozy mud. This from a kid who hates to get dirty. Then, being preoccupied with that, I left the camera in the car and had to rely on EG's iPhone.

I'm waiting on Monkey and Peacock to send some pics of the boys playing together in the snow, but meanwhile we leave you with McQueen playing with (and eating) the bucket of snow we brought home with us.

And our sad little snowman, who was rather upset after I insisted brown candy hearts for eyes were slightly more realistic than the pink he'd requested... As you can see, he refused to smile for the camera.

Happy Valentine's Day...

2009-02-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

... from McQueen.

(sorry, we're a bit behind around here)